The Titanspark Requiem

backspace

2010-05-24T22:18:00.002-04:00

You guys have no idea how many times I've wrote in this thing, then, deleted it.

unforced rhythms

2010-01-11T23:20:00.003-05:00

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." -Jesus (message translation)

I want to learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I want to learn to live freely and lightly. I want to have a beautiful death.

Why do I constantly betray myself? Why do I meekly snuff out my own flame? To relate? To have a place in this broken world? How grotesque and mutilated am I? I'm tired and burned out on all the advice of self help books and bible college graduates and preachers. I need something different. I need you to show me MY way. I know I'm not a special case Father but man could you help me not feel like one? I can't relate anymore. Blinded by my own imperfectness, I can't seem to make out the bigger picture even though I know all my problems are so little. Help me. I feel so distant and I know I'm the one who's moved.

we will never presume again

2010-01-01T22:38:00.002-05:00

People change. I am not the exception.

untitled

2009-12-14T21:36:00.002-05:00

For the first time, I truly miss the familiar.
To fear my prime has finally reached its peak.
Is there any left?
have my strengths forsaken me?
I Shall horde the remnants to bear the cold of a long winter's storm.
Storing up, stacking high all my hopes to rough the impossible feat ahead of me.
As a beaver makes his damn, so do I prepare my chamber.
And there I rest, unaware of the first sign of Spring.

others escape.

2009-12-07T21:52:00.002-05:00

And I swear I'll know your face in the crowd
And I'll hear your voice so loud
When you're whispering

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another.

destroy & rebuild

2009-11-05T22:47:00.003-05:00

There is something really exciting about starting something new. Almost like a drug I think that I'm addicted to. Just like a new version of software fixing all the bugs from the previous version is the feeling of starting over, breaking down what you built to move what you've learned to somewhere else and start again. Meeting new people, living different places but more wise than you were before. Learning from your mistakes, refining your personality, becoming the man that you and God can agree on. Seeing how other places do church. Community. There is just something really exciting about starting something new. And I can't wait for this opportunity I have to witness it again in Miami. Thank you to everyone I've met in my life up to this point. No matter how we know each other, I guarantee you've touched my life in some way and I know that I've learned something from it. I appreciate that. Miami, I'll see you Sunday!

Sorry

2009-09-03T19:41:00.001-04:00

I'm sorry I don't really Post anything nowadays, but I just don't feel like I should at this time in my life...It just doesn't feel right :/

Swing

2009-08-03T18:15:00.003-04:00

I think I'm a little bit more moody than I give myself credit for...

Lovesick

2009-08-02T13:06:00.002-04:00

To be so far gone from what I used to know everyday
forgotten, really, how to even perform correctly.
How do I get something like that back?
Love.
The more I try to feel it, the further I am from such an emotion.
I've forgotten how to love.
Because love isn't something I get is it? It's something I give first.
And how can I love when I feel empty?

To move forward.
Even though I long for the past.
Is he tired of my laments?
I can't seem to put my savior first anymore.
So how much is too much?
How much patience do you REALLY have?
Because I know I'm not finished yet.
How do I get something like that back?
Love.
And how can I love when I feel so empty?

What is my diagnosis?

Update:AIT

2009-04-13T12:23:00.002-04:00

So...I've been living at Ft. Meade, Maryland since Feb 22nd of this year and until last week I've been just hanging out here on AFI (awaiting further instruction) but, last week, on Wednesday, I FINALLY started some classes :) now only 7 more months or so to go before I'm finally out of soldier training and become a REAL real soldier :P How many soldiers can say that they've been in the Army for a year before they even complete there training? ha...that just gives you a little bit of a taste on how tough my job actually is. So, we've started class, and since I'm the highest ranking student, I was elected class leader. Me. Yeah, its pretty cool and kind of stressful at the same time, but all in all I'm pretty sure that this is what I wanted. I need to start getting leadership roles so that I can be recommended for Officier Candidate School fairly quickly. I'm pretty sure that I want to be an officier still...of course, it all depends on how stellar this job actually turns out to be.

Other than that, I've finally made it to phase 5, so I'm allowed to wear civilian clothes again, allowed to go off base on the weekends, you know...I have limited freedom again. Still not allowed to have my car back and whatnot, but hopefully by mid may, I'll be able to make phase 5+ and be allowed to take weekend trips and have my car and whatnot. I don't really know how thats going to go yet :P I've never had weekends completely free before with some extra spending money to actually do something! We'll see how it goes :P Other than that, there really isn't too much left to talk about of interest. It's all kind of just a matter of time before something happens again. Class, Studying, and PT make up my days for the most part right now. I've been watching movies and playing soccer in addition to that, but the Army keeps most of my hours full. Hope everyone is doing well and hopefully everyone had a good easter weekend? Mine was kind of non-existance as I am still having trouble finding my way to a church other than the one on base. Hopefully in a few weeks I'll have the whole traveling without a car thing down? Give me some time, I've never NOT had a car before :X

appreciate

2009-04-04T09:48:00.002-04:00

So yesterday was my first day to be allowed off base without the exception of my special pass for when my family came to visit. Some friends I've made here and I decided to go to the mall for a little while before we had to be back for early bed check because of our training this morning. But we were at a store and my friend was trying on a hat. She came and asked me what I thought and I told her that it looked pretty good. She then told me that was one of the first compliments I've given her. I've known her since I've gotten here a month or so ago and I haven't complimented her till now?! Wow, you have no idea how much of a jerk I felt I was. She's one of those people who between us we pick on each other...kind of like a brother/sister relationship and so this is why its never crossed my mind before. I don't know, but I need to change this. I can't have that being the only nice thing I've said to her. People need to know they are appreciated and loved. How will they ever know if they're friends don't tell them? How can I show them Jesus if I'm not showing his character?

poison

2009-04-01T20:11:00.002-04:00

Philippians 4:8-9
"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."

Ever since I've gotten here I've let the latter of these things in the verse to poison my thoughts. Every day...since prolly I failed my first PT test, all I've been dwelling on has been the bad in this place. All types of things have been getting on my nerves that usually don't bother me too much to affect my mood. I got a letter from my friend Alisa today that had this verse...well...not this exact verse, but 6 and 7 instead...I just cheated and read further :X and it really made me start thinking about this.

I'm not going to deny...there are a lot of things bringing me down in this place...I think the biggest reason for that is because there is a lot of downtime. I HATE downtime...it makes me do bad things, and the worst part about the things bringing me down here is that with the group of people I'm with, there is absolutely no problem finding someone who agrees with you. You know that saying how sour people hang out in packs? (or something like that) well its true...I've been doing it :P and its come to my attention that I need to cease. This place is a necessary stop on my adventure and I need to treat it as such no matter what I'm doing (or not doing) and not get bent out of shape when others don't seem to take on the same attitude. Reason, Purpose, and Self-Esteem...that is what my favorite book, Atlas Shrugged, says are the highest values a man can hold. My attitude needs to stay at the level that I have set and not sink down to be at the same standard as others around me. God has already saved me from that lifestyle. And has taught me how to live at the higher standard. The standard that allows me to be poured out as a drink offering. The same standard Paul lived by making him able to live the way he did for Christ and still have Joy.

I've forgotten my quest to hit bottom.

writers block OR christian algebra

2009-03-22T13:35:00.003-04:00

I apologize for never really updating this thing, but the truth of the matter is that nothing is coming to mind of what I want to talk about. Everything I think of is either something personal that I don't want on the internet, or something really stupid that I would feel like a preacher talking about and my goal for this blog is not to sound like a preacher :P no offense to those preachers out there, but yeah...I want to put lessons out there that are obvious to the audience that I'm struggling with the same thing as what they might be struggling with. Things that preachers would get voted out of the church for having sermons about.

Wow. I just thought about something to talk about. ha.

I would say for about the past 2-3 months I have not gone to a church. This is not counting last week where I finally took up the courage to try out the service they have here at Ft. Meade (wonderful experience might I add *cough*) Nevertheless, church, I've come to notice, is not something a part of the community in the Military, but something that you go to on Sunday. I say this because it is both true for the individuals who don't go to church AS WELL AS those who DO go to church every Sunday. It is an activity in which American Christians go to because that is what God, the original American, has told us in the American Bible to do lest we turn to heathens and go to hell when we die.

Everything in the Military has a regulation. The way you dress, the way you cut your hair, the way you make your bed, the way you keep your locker, the way you keep your room, the way you stretch, the way you address other people, the way you walk, the way you turn, the way you drink water. With this, I feel, is probably the reason why the church has been transformed into what it is here, but let me just say that this is not the way God intended Christianity to be. A relationship with God should NOT be like the military. It is more fluid than this, it is more relational than this, it is more grey than this. It is the difference between a pre sized suit and a custom tailored suit.

Now I'm not quite sure what point I'm trying to make here, but I wish that the churches I've sat through thus far in the military didn't feel so robotic. I'm here saying that I'm kind of confused on what to do right now in regards to getting spiritually fed. I wonder if Jesus ever felt this way when he was human going to churches and feeling like he was the only one who didn't treat God like a math equation. I've seen Christians who could kill me at the biblical brain game (and do it), close non-believers up tighter than a snare drum and have no doubt at all that the non believer was in the wrong. I've also been fortunate enough to have conversations with people and see their walls melt just because of my openness to listen and not give them my Christian advice. The military is not a very Godly place, even at church...this is just my experience, and I'm kind of baffled in what I might be able to do when I can't even find a battle buddy to go to church with.

stymie

2009-03-19T18:06:00.007-04:00

I was so sure, but
today I was defeated.
How can I get up?

Beauty of the Inverted

2009-03-08T09:09:00.003-04:00

So this is an old post from Jan. 21 this year that I wrote that I guess got lost in the mail, but I really like it so I'm going to rewrite it for you guys...

I've been thinking about things lately...I'm assuming because we haven't done anything for the past four days? Basic training seems to have taken a standstill lately. But I've been thinking about life and living it fully. And with living life fully comes higher risk. Risk of death, risk of injury, risk of any nature really. When I was talking to my battle buddy, Tracey, I found out that the easiest way to explain was to compare it to love. With love, if you choose to let someone into your heart, you have a wide spectrum of things that can happen with two extremes. The positive being your goal, love. You can feel love. The opposite is heartbrokeness and pain. One fills your heart and one feels as though it takes away. Life, I feel is the same way. We can try to live the "American Dreams" of working, buying things, building a house and family, filling that house with stuff, and retiring so we can go on vacations every day. This to me, is just like choosing not to love at all. There is no risk involved really. You can't get hurt and you can't feel love eiter. Just like you can't die from your life choice (At least it's not as likely), but you don't know how all these wonderful experiences feel. Learn the quality of risk that makes you feel fully alive. I need to take the steps neccesary to "hit bottom" because if my thoughts are correct, I think that in learning that, that would be the only way for us to know the opposite. We need a standard measurement and the only one we can really experience to measure is the latter one, the painful one. The one that opens our eyes to the beauty of the inverted. It wasn't until I had my heart broken that I was able to see the beauty of my relationship with Christ. It wasn't until Christ's death that his Disciples were able to recognize Christ's glory.

Unhandy

2009-03-07T09:43:00.002-05:00

So I'm slacking pretty bad on the blogging department...I've been promising blogs and not delivering, but its so hard to find time to get online. The only place we have internet here at AIT is at the cafeteria and with that, its only open at certain times :/ most of which are very unhandy to bring your laptop along with you. The Army, I feel, likes to make other things besides the Army unhandy to do that way the only thing you do IS, in fact, the Army. I would NOT recommend joining the Army if you're married or have children or both...even though there are a lot of those people here, I personally wouldn't do it...it would be hell on your family and yourself. Anyways, I need to start remembering to bring my journal with me here so that I can write some things that have went through my mind. I have a lot of stuff to put on here, but always forget it or don't have time to bring my laptop with me :/ The end. Hopefully all maybe 4 of you faithful readers will forgive me? thanks :) back to the army life now...

Overdue

2009-02-20T18:17:00.002-05:00

So I finished up Basic Training at Ft. Jackson today. Sorry there haven't been any new updates since I left to go back. I wrote a few and sent them out, but Ericka said that she never got a hold of them so I guess they were lost in the mail? My mom and Grandma also didn't receive their post cards that I sent either so yeah. But its ok because I'm going to write a few soon hopefully once I get to my AIT and I'm able to use a computer again, but I have a lot of fun stuff written down in my journal that I can recall back on and write a few blogs to share with ya'll...they'll kind of be out of date for a while as we catch you up, but at least you'll get to read what I've been up to for the past few months ;) Right now I'm spending the rest of the time I have with my family so I'm going to get off of here, but I just wanted everyone to know I'm back ;)

Welcome Back.

pause

2008-12-21T23:27:00.002-05:00

disappearing for a month and then reappearing is kind of weird. Its like everything is on pause for you, but nothing changes for everyone else. It's been kind of disappointing to tell you the truth. Its ok though...real friends are found in such ways. I'm not looking forward to doing this again in February. One thing has been awesome with this though. My family. Want to appreciate your family more? Join the Army and go to basic training. I don't even want to think about what it would be like to be deployed and THEN come back. Anyways, there's not much to write about...all my thoughts are private tonight.

Don't fool yourself. There are some things that only work in stories.

Not Your Own

2008-12-18T15:55:00.002-05:00

11 DEC 2008

We've been having some more fun here at Basic Training. Two days ago we went for our first Army camping experience. We walked.....well....road marched, meaning we had about 50lbs of gear strapped to our backs and we walked at a pretty fast pace for about 6 miles everyone was saying. It was a beautiful day for camping. Nice Southern fall weather with the sun partly shining, partly cloudy, and we got there and set up camp. Wait. Let me back up. So before all that, we had a day of P.T. meaning physical training (I think) and they split us all up into groups according to how well we did the 2 mile run. Since I did it in 16:50 , I was put into the A train. We had A train, B train, and C train, A was the one where all the people from 17:00 min and under. B was from 1700 to whatever C was all the others :x We ran probably a total of 4 or 5 miles. I of which was running up and down bleachers and half a mile backwards up a hill!

The next day we had to get up really early and road march over to the bayonette course where we had to do a bunch of obsticles with our bayonette and do a bunch of moves on dummies, haha it was fun! Anyays, before I talk about the camping I need to talk about my battle buddy, Ian Tracey. He was assigned to me because he's the next one before my name in alphabetical order, but he couldn't have been any better to be my battle buddy. He is smart, very friendlym Christian, and I guess and all around good guy :P We kicked it off pretty well from the beginning. So anways, back to the camping. Tracey and I out our tent up and everything and it was the best looking tent up there :P It doesn't hurt that he's an eagle scout as well. Haha. We camped out and then the next day we went to an endurance course called fit to win where we had to go through this whole endurance course with our savad. We didn't win but we got 2nd I'm pretty sure. After, we went to the gas chamber!! I was pretty worried about this. I to it and we out our gas masks on and walked in to the chamber. The drill seargaents then had us lift up our gas masks and say our full social security number followed by drill seargent! I was able to do it and then seal my mask again without it being too bad. and so I am just chilling in there untill h egets to everyone else in there. One didn't do it too well and started freaking out and tried to oush the drill seargent away. He slammed the kid against the wall and put his mask back on him for him. It was crazy! He had to go back in there again because of it too after he regained himself. But when we were about to go out the D.S took us 10 at a time to go out and before we could go, they had us take our mask completely off and sing Jingle Bells! So I got up there , I'm getting nervous because we had a little taste of the gas outside the chamber while we were putting on our masks. Then I get the signal to take my mask off. I take a deep breath, close my eyes, rip it off. I start to sing "Jingle bells, Jingle bells, jingle all the way.." The drill seargent start to try and take our masks from us, I hold tight. "oh what fun." they start to mess with me more, poking my stomach, messing with my face, "it is to ride in a one ," the next D.S starts to punch me in the gut! "horse open sliegh!" I survived!! Luckily , I had my stomach clenched. They start to push us out the door and I get out into the ligh and take a deep breath! Crap..... the gas is still pretty strong :x The gas feels what nose, in your eyes, it burns your throat, burns your skin, burns your eyes. Really burns your eyes! Man! They have us walk a few laps around a turn around road to air out and compose ourselves. Wow that was intense! haha! I'm glad I got to do it through :) I've never worn a gas mask before yet alone be gassed like that! It was crazy!

Anyways I have a few other things I want to talk about. The first one being how platoon team life is going. Our platoon is having some problems. haha...to say the least. Ive been trying to figure our what the problem is exactly and some things I could come up with were these : 1.) Our platoon is trying way too hard to maintain our own individuality. The sooner we realize that we are not who we were the better. The Army took away our clothes, our hair, our make-u, electronics, stereotypes. and gave us the same uniform, the same kind of hair, the same food, the same beds, and the same quality of life. They did this for a reason. "You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake". I think old habits need to die and new ones need to form. This would help us get along I believe. 2.) Ego. Nobody is able to yet humble enough to listen to someone when they are trying to correct the, before the drill seargents talk to them. Now a lot of it is in the way people try to tell people they're wrong, but you know... they both could use improvement.

Those are the two big problems I've noticed There are a few smaller ones as well but I think they would be resolved with there two. The reason I'm kind of writing about this is because right now, my platoon has been sitting here for the past two hours while I've been writing this discussing our issues and how we need to do this and that and blah blah blah... I feel the best way to deal with this personally is to just listen, don't talk, let them work their own problems out unless otherwise asked. Because our platoon doesn't really like taking advice :p It gets to my battle buddy sometimes, but I have just been able to laugh about it. I remember back when I was like that and felt like I had to take charge and solve their problems. Now I feel like it takes more dicipline to hold my tounge.

Lastly, I wanted to talk about a devotion I read yesterday from my utmost for his highest. It's December 9th and 10th and they are "the offense of the natural" and "the offering of the natural." I'm still trying to completely grasp these, but what I kind of related it to was you guessed it, the Army. The devotion talk about how, as christians, it's not really about giving up of what makes your natural self. All the sin in my life is part of what makes you your natural self. All the sin in my life is part of the way I live for myself. We miust deny this. It's like when I signed the Army Contract and took my second oath. I'm government property. I chase this. Now, there are many good things that come from me joining the Army. They're paying my student loans, paying me a bonus, paying me to work, feeding me blah blah blah..... but there are also things I have to do. Starting here at Basic, I have to start disciplining my body, mind, even spirit to fit to the Army standards and so forth. Becoming a Christian is great and comes with more than enough benefits but there comes the time in our Christian life when we need to start discipling our body, mind and soul. We can't just keep relying on how loving and merciful God is. There comes a time when God knows that we know better. I know I've reached that point. I couldn't do it by myself. Hopefully joining the Army will teach me what being disciplined actually looks like.

From a young age growing up in church we're told we're in the Lords Army. I think I disagree with that. Untill now I don't feel like I was even ready to even make the attempt for what kind of discipline and commitment.. It's definitly something to strive for, but belive me. There is some responsibility that comes with it. Jesus was the ultimate example for this discipline and responsibility. I wonder what type of person Jesuss natural desires would have made him? Thank God we never found out.

I have a feeling that the Army is going to be a very good thing for my adult life. I've never known this stuff before or had to be so precise with the things I do. Some things suck more than others, but it's good. God is with me :)

-M

Confidence

2008-12-18T15:10:00.003-05:00

01 DEC 2008

So today we did unarmed combatives which is pretty much wrestling moves. It was the most fun yet! We learned a bunch of different dominate positions to get the upper hand on opponents as as some choke holds and arm bars. I went a few matches with some people, but I lost each time..... 0-3 I'm afraid :( BUT hopefully we get to do it more often so that I can get some practice! One of the guys messed up my head pretty bad. I have some cuts on my forehead and on the side of my head and so on, but I am ok :P That's probably the closest to fight club I'm going to get. All in all, so far I love it here. I don't have any guilt; When I would sleep in late like when I lived in ATL because there is too much accountability in the army to let things slide. That accountability thing goes for A LOT more things as well. That is just an example for you guys but everything in the Army is based on accountability. I would recommend the military to anyone wanting to make change in their life. Aleast so far. We'll see if I still feel this way in the next six years.

Well, the top paragraph was written in the 1st at the beginning of last week and not it's the 7th on Sunday night. I haven't been writing very much because I lost my stamps :( But I 've recieved some letters from you guys and that makes me happy :) Because one, I know you all finally got my address, and two, you guys actually took the time to write me! Hopefully I'll be able to get some at the PX soon or borrow a few from some friends :x Anways, other things that happened this week was we went to the confidence courae which is a hige area of different height challenges I guess you would call them? The first one we did was this 5 story tower that me and 3 other people on my team of 4 had to climb up and then climb back down. Not only did we have to do that, but we also had to do it without any harness! If any of us fell, we we're pretty much screwed. It was like that for all of them. Luckly we managed to do it, and my team did it with some ease actually. The next challenge we had was the Victory slide. We climbed up a cargo net and had to walk over a log in the middle of the air to an overgrown ladder and then climbed up higher to a cable where we were hooked up and then zip lined down to the ground. The 3rd one we did was the inclined rope decend and we had to climb up and then zip lined down to the ground.The 3rd one we did ws the inclined rope decend and we had to climb up an oversized ladder again and there was a rope that was up an oversized ladder again and there was a rope that was up at the top. It stretched probably a good 20' downwards at probably a 30 or 45 degree angle or so and we hung upside down on it and worked our way down it. That one was the handout for me, but I was still able to do it! Those were the only ones we had time to complete because we have quite a few people in our platoon who don't really belong in the Army I don't think :x The next day we had a bayonett training and then the next day we had some team building exercises and then we ran a whole lot on the other day. But I'm running out of room on this page and the running out of time beofre lights out as well so I'll talk about that stuff later. Hope you all are doing well and P.S. Atlanta, I'll be spending New Years with all you guys so make some time to see me! I'll be there the 30th thought the 2nd!!

-M

LDRSHIP

2008-12-02T12:06:00.003-05:00

27 Nov 08

Happy Thanksgiving! We're all sitting in our barracks hanging out and just kind of taking the day off I guess? So while I have some free time, I figured I would update everything. This week is the first week of Basic and so far so good. Doing all the push ups and everything kind of stinks, but I'm looking at it this way, I'm getting paid right now to get in shape! :p

A few days ago we went up and did a high ropes course call Victory Tower. At this place. it's probably 35, 40 ft in the air and we climbed it, climbed ropes across it, climbed down it, repelled off it, and a few other things, but it was so much fun! We've went on a road march as well so far. That's how we got to Victory Tower. That will be the first of many, but we were issued our M16's yesterday so now we'll be carrying those with us on the next one because now we have to carry our weapons everywhere we go!

Today some things have happened worth blogging about. The first of which being our Thanksgiving dinner. Today we were served Thanksgiving dinner by all our superiors and officers. It was a really cool sight to see because since I've been here, all I've seen of them has been being proud, angry, can't-do-anything-without-getting-yelled at drill sergeants and then having switched to where they and even the higher ranked officers dipping out our mashed potatoes.; that was humbling. To be so proud of something and get still humble enough to do things like this? Isn't that a whole lot of how being a Christian is supposed to be like? I must admit..the Army has a lot more things figured out about life than what you would first think. Even the 7 Army values relate so well with Christian life. Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless, Honor, Integrity, and personal Courage. I have seen a lot of these these values displayed so for in our Sergants, but today, selfless service was definitly the BIG one :):)

Another thing happened today that stuck in my mind as well. Yesterday we signed a paper saying we would follow all the rules of being in the barracks and stuff, and one of the rules was NO food in the bays. NO EXCEPTIONS! So we get down to the chow hall and the lines of food are decorated with candies and such ok, cool whatever, kind of wierd, but cool Thanksgiving decorations. People start taking some, taking some, next thing I knew I see people starting to stuff it in their pockets. Ok, whatever, lets go fill in formation. So we get back to our company spot in the barracks and the thing the drill sergeants do is have us empty our pockets. Guilty. So many people had candy he had us emptying everything on the ground. After we were done getting punished for doing it, he said something I remembered.. "I'm glad you guys showed me this. Now I know you guys can't be trusted." Integrity. That is one of the 7 Army values and we failed today. :( Hopefully we've learned our lesson.

Process

2008-11-29T17:05:00.003-05:00

2008 November 22

So I kind of planned on writing about things every single day, but we've been here for 3 days not counting Tuesday, though we did A LOT Tuesday night before we could go to bed.

Tuesday was the day of travel and waiting. We got on the airplane, got off the airplane, got back on, got back off. After I arrived at Columbia, we waited for about.... well, at least 4 hours before we even got on the bus to go to Fort Jackson. After we got here we were filling things out, eating, getting stuff issued to us, blah, blah, blah. We've pretty much done this everyday all day SINCE then. It's now Saturday. Tomorrow we get to go to church. It should be an interesting experience to say the least :)

Monday, which is November 24, is the first day of ACTUAL basic training. I'm really excited! We watched an introduction video today and even though it was HORRIBLE quality and the whole time I was thinking, "Man, I'm sure glad they hired me :p", I still got really excited. Minus the pain of actually getting my body in shape to handle half the stuff I'll be doing, I think that this whole thing is going to be a blast!! Sometimes literally! HA! :p

But anyways, nothing much to write about yet.Some of the more christian thoughts that have gone through my head have been about the whole process. In the Army, so far already, they've told me many times now about how here in basic training, we all came ourselves. Trying so hard to be independent, funny, smart, the jock, the heart throb, ect, ect, whatever. And when we get here, they take away our freedom, make us all look the same, dress the same, act the same, break us down, destroy our individuality. My spikey hair is gone.I've had guys here find out just today that I was the guy with the fohawk when we first came :p We are not beautiful and unique snowflakes any longer and to tell you the truth it's kind of liberating. But after breaking us down, they start to build us back up. Replace old habits with new ones. Replace rebellion with compliance. Replace vanity and arrogance with pride and honor. It teaches us to do everything with a purpose.

Sound familiar?Isn't this the same thing God does through the gift of Jesus? Lets us live our live our lifes the way we want to? Then when we're ready to surrender. he breaks us down, our sins tearing our potential up , and then rebuilds us as well, don't think for a second I'm saying God is like the military. All I'm saying is that you can find Godly qualities in the Army and in the process of becoming a soldier. We are all so broken. I have a feeling I'm about to find out exactly how broken I am.

I encourage you all to find the way to get this process done. Through fire is how we are formed as christians. Pray for God to show you, yours.

embark on

2008-11-17T02:10:00.002-05:00

tomorrow almost 12 hours exactly I will leave my family and begin my new adventure as a United States Army Specialist 25 Romeo. I can't tell you how excited I am! I'm always excited to start a new adventure and this one I'm sure won't disappoint in the adventure department :P

A few things I want to talk about before I surrender my blog to the mercy of Ericka, I want to talk about some personal goals I want to have beside all the issued goals I will have as a soldier...

First goal, I want to write a letter to each of the people who gave me an address and have asked for a letter. I know, because I'm the same way, there is just something that is super exciting about getting a personal written letter and I want to bring you guys some joy like that and maybe some of you can return the favor ;) cause I have a feeling I'm going to need it!

My second goal is going to be to read the entire Bible from cover to cover. I've never done this before because I have always managed to find something else to do, but I really want to buckle down and do this. Especially since I won't have an excuse here because we aren't allowed to bring any other personal books to basic.

Anyways, those are my two personal goals for basic while I'm there. In other news, I am having my sister write my address on my facebook group so that everyone who has joined that will be able to get it and I'm going to also have Ericka put the address on my blog. Other than that, I guess just wish me luck! I appreciate all the prayers from everyone, they are definitely working already. I was a mess a few days ago, but I'm feeling crazy good right now :) Keep it up! And make sure you're also praying for all the other soldiers who are over doing things that are actually dangerous. They definitely could use some prayer as well :)

But yes, I need to get to bed, so I will see you guys on the other side and I can't WAIT to share some of my stories I'm going to have with you!

volume

2008-11-14T23:20:00.003-05:00

"If with heart and soul you're doing good, do you think you can be stopped?

Even if you suffer for it, you're still better off. Don't give the opposition a second thought. Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master.

Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you're living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy. Keep a clear conscience before God so that when people throw mud at you, none of it will stick. They'll end up realizing that they're the ones who need a bath.

It's better to suffer for doing good, if that's what God wants, than to be punished for doing bad.

That's what Christ did definitively: suffered because of others' sins, the Righteous One for the unrighteous ones. He went through it all—was put to death and then made alive—to bring us to God." -1 Peter 3:13-18

I grew up thinking the message translation of the Bible was a bad thing. I was told to stay away from it because it leaves a lot out. This might be true, it might not be true. But I do know that God uses this translation to speak to me a lot more than he's ever used the King James Version. I read the message almost the same way I speak. Almost the same way I write. So for me, it is perfect. Also, I enjoy some of the words chosen for verses a lot more than other translations. Just a little side note on the message translation that I wanted to throw out there because I doubt I'm the only one who was taught this. So now you know ;)

So if I'm doing good with heart and soul I'm unstoppable? I'm like the spiritual "Thing" from Fantastic Four right? Clobbering the Devil when it comes to tempt me? Or is this a different type of unstoppable? A type that is beyond ourselves? A type that goes beyond ourselves? Isn't this type of unstoppable the reason why we can watch movies like Braveheart or Gladiator and admire William Wallace or Maximus? When our beliefs and ideas extend beyond our own physical bodies and lives? Isn't this how Jesus was and is unstoppable?

He wasn't unstoppable because he was unable to be beat physically, for we took his life from him. Not because of the friends he had, for they dispersed when he was taken into custody. But because of what he believed in. What he held to be true. What he was willing to bleed for. What he was willing to die for. People don't recognize true passion until there is sacrifice, because nobody chooses to hurt. No one WANTS to sacrifice; to bleed or die, but when they step over that line. When someone hits bottom and places there passion before their own well being...that; that is beautiful.

How do I reach this mindset? How do I get closer to hitting bottom? How could I ever know I'm willing to die for my savior if need be?

I think these are questions that help us to learn to live life to the fullest. To use a quote from Fight Club:

"After fighting, everything else in your life got the volume turned down."

I think that this quote can relate. For those of you who know me somewhat well know I like to compare a lot of Christian principles from quotes and parts from Fight Club :X haha, but just like after a fight, after we become aware of our relationship with God, truly aware (I say this because I was a "Christian" way before I understood my relationship as well as some of you might be), what comes naturally afterwards should be everything else losing its volume.

After being Christian, everything else in your life got the volume turned down.

What does this look like for you?

I'm slowly discovering what it looks like to me.

the created void by underoath

2008-11-13T14:09:00.000-05:00

Let's do this for each other.
Let's do this for truth.
I give for you, you give for me.
I give for you, you give for me.

Let me take you somewhere,
Somewhere I cannot explain.
Let me take you, wanna take you,
Somewhere I cannot explain.

I'm stumbling right in front of you.
Now!
I won't refrain from guiding you there.

Normal's not so,
Normal is not so far.

Was it just a dream?
Or something much more?
We are not alone.
Since you agreed to follow.

It's all in my head, if you want, you can look inside.
There's nothing but red and all the mess I've been.
It's all in the way I say what I don't mean, and mean what I don't.
I need to speak of you and what is real.

They will never understand,
What eats at our insides.

It's all in my head, if you want, you can look inside.
There's nothing but red and all the mess I've been.
It's all in the way I say what I don't mean, and mean what I don't.
I need to speak of you.

solve for x

2008-11-13T01:18:00.002-05:00

I am mr. fix it. I look at the short term problems and get to work on how to solve the equation.

If there are 4.5 days left before Marcus leaves for the army and X = perfect marcus, how do I solve for the other missing variable of W, C, T, and however many other ones there may be. Where W means the amount of work, change, time respectively.

X = WCT/4.5

Ok. Mr. Fix it. Any time now...

Yeah. This is a lame illustration and doesn't really make any sense looking back at it, but I think you can try to understand the point. So much of my life is not up for me to control. So much stuff in my life changes way to constantly for me to use formula's. Things don't happen the same way for everyone and because of this, this makes it even MORE of a challenge to predict what is going to happen.

There are variables in my life right now that I'm sure are being filled correctly and are the variables in my life right now that I need most. There are other variables in my story that I just can't seem to wait on. I want to take things out of the natural order God has planned for my life formula. I need to trust God and his order of operations, because just like the rubix cube I've been trying to solve for days now, I'm becoming way too frustrated with certain variables that obviously will not be solved until after I solve for other ones.

I have to trust in my knowledge and my knowledge is that God is a loving father who gives good gifts. I want him to get me out of this mess world and so this is the journey I have been given to take. The smartest thing I could do would be to stop trying to take short cuts. Let us try to stop taking short cuts. Let us let God solve for X.

numb

2008-11-11T23:58:00.000-05:00

I think tonight is the night I become numb.

i miss.

2008-11-11T01:51:00.002-05:00

I miss a lot of things. I miss nothing. I miss everything. I don't even know what I miss. I haven't even met you or it yet. I'm kind of mixed up today and I think I'm doing it to myself. I also think that it might be the devil trying to get the best of me. God's making things come together way too easily for this not be the correct path for me, but I can't help but to have days of hesitation. I think its my fear of commitment. I think a lot is my fear of commitment. I really miss my Atlanta friends today because today was our weekend and I missed it :/

Self Destruction. I'm working so hard to hit bottom, and sometimes I feel like I'm the only one trying to make progress. I guess this could be the devil as well. I won't be changing my decision. I'm way too stubborn I think. Sometimes that's a good thing?

I'm going to disappear for three months. I've decided today that my biggest fear isn't the drill sergeants or the pain that I'm going to have to go through in my body. It's not going to be the home sickness or being broken down to be built back up into a soldier. It won't be the lack of communication, electronics, cell phones, laptops, or ipods with my extensive musical librarys.

I'm almost positive that my biggest fear is going to be the fear of being forgotten. I've worked so hard to be a good friend to all of you. I pray for you all to return the favor. :(

I miss a lot of things.

desperate america part II

2008-11-11T01:48:00.001-05:00

I just looked back and reread this and I think some people might get a little confused on the meaning of what I just wrote about the people in Africa :X

I didn't mean for that at all to sound like our problems are worse than what the people in Africa have to deal with, which is kind of what it might sound like, but I was more trying to illustrate a point of this verse...

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? Matthew 7:3

With this, I feel that we as American's look at their problems and think we have to go help them and fix them and try and teach them to be more like us, when I don't really think that us trying to "help" them out in this way is what they really need. Just wanted to clear that up. I'm not really good at rereading my stuff before I post it :X

I prolly won't do it for this one either. Nope. I'm going to publish this right now :P

Desperate America

2008-11-10T03:25:00.002-05:00

I watched Desperate Housewives tonight with my mom. It breaks my heart to think that some people actually live like that. :/

But we're convinced that the people in Africa have it so bad?

We could learn a lot from them.

Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?

pressing on in fear of death with hopes of learning how to live

2008-11-06T21:58:00.003-05:00

I have been here in Ohio for a full day. In this one day I've been here, I already feel like its time to leave again. This place depresses me more than what I ever can convince myself of when I'm not here. I don't have a clue as to why this? Actually. I probably do. I walk in and the house is crawling with junk my family has managed to stock up on and its ready to attack at any nudge or bump taken the wrong way. This house has a history of swallowing your stuff. I don't even know how many different things I've lost to its madness, but you can hopefully imagine my thrill when my mother told me I would be unloading my possessions into this house and not my grandma's.

Another is my mother's uncanny ability to get me frustrated with life in general. I don't understand how she lives the way she does. I don't understand how I've managed to even remotely turn out okay in any way growing up with all this. My family is so broken. You guys honestly could not even begin to understand how much I owe to God in shaping who I am today. Seriously.

I guess all this could be the closest way to feel what a broken home MIGHT feel like? At least to go back to one? To be excited to see everyone because of all the change you've made in your life and then to be disappointed when you find out that your family really is exactly how you left them. To find out your city is really exactly how you left it. To find out you've been living in the one exception to a dynamic world and that you chose to come back for a while.

I'm starting to realize that some of the bad habits that remain with me are not as much me not trying hard enough to break them, but that it might just be that these habits are all I know in my narrow view of life. I've never learned a different way of things. I'm starting to see that the Army will be even more so a detox than I can even care to imagine.

My brother Matthew asked me something interesting today. He asked me if I was scared to die because the Army isn't a very safe place to be. I started thinking of all this junk I've already experienced being back for one day when I've been trying my hardest to forget some of it out at college and then at Atlanta, and I told him there are worse things than dying, which some of you know, is my typical response for this question. Next, he ask me what? What is worse than dying? Well...living the way we've been living thus far is much worse. I want a better way of life.

like the light

2008-11-03T23:41:00.003-05:00

2 Samuel 23:3-4

3 The God of Israel spoke,
the Rock of Israel said to me:
'When one rules over men in righteousness,
when he rules in the fear of God,

4 he is like the light of morning at sunrise
on a cloudless morning,
like the brightness after rain
that brings the grass from the earth.'

My prayer is that tommorrow you will vote for the president in which you feel is right in your heart. With so many people and so many things set up trying to convince you one way or the other, I pray you will use a discerning heart and choose the president who stands for issues that you stand for. Whose character reflects the character of a leader. One who rules over men in righteousness. We have the chance to influence this election, but remember, God is the one who gives all power to all men. Whomever is chosen in this coming month to rule our country, know that he was chosen first by God.

Lukewarm

2008-11-03T01:13:00.002-05:00

"15I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. 19Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. 20Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. 21To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne."
-Revelation 3:15-21

I put this scripture on here because sometimes I feel like I need to be reminded to be either hot or cold. I think that in America we have a strong tendency to only try and be NOT bad. This is SO hypocritical in my opinion. Not only when I'm trying to just not do bad things, am I not using my strengths and faith to please God with the abilities that I have been given to be "hot" but I'm also breeding self righteousness in me because the only way to judge your actions as bad or acceptable is to compare that in which you are doing to another person. And when comparing yourself to others who ARE NOT Jesus Christ, you are usually doing one of two things..

1. Find yourself someone better than what you feel you are and bring the esteem low or,

2. Find yourself someone worse of than you to make yourself feel superior

Both of these are bad and need to be dealt with.

The way I feel is that if your curious about something, as long as you're taking the proper precautions to keep others safe, then do it. Experience something. Experience everything. For its better for you to learn from a mistake than to be lukewarm from an untested experiment for the rest of your life. Know what it is you're exactly missing. My guess is that if you have a relationship with God already, whatever it is your curious about will not even come close to what you have with Jesus. I know what I experienced this weekend didn't. But I'm glad I experienced it. Now I will never have to wonder anymore. Now I will never have to wish for that in my life again.

And if you ask me, that is a win for Christ with WAY more impact on the life of the person than if that person were to just follow the rules.

vagabond

2008-10-30T01:44:00.002-04:00

Is it ok that I have no idea where I belong? Is it ok that I'm a little bit of a thrill seeker so to speak? It really was killing me that I was working at a freaking restaurant, stuck here in Atlanta because I'm too poor to even live where I'm stuck at yet alone rich enough to actually do something exciting or whatever. Maybe this is another reason why joining the Army makes so much sense for me right now. I always seem to have to move to change anything about me. I feel like I've become and experienced everything I need to in Atlanta for now. I don't want to get stuck in a rut. I want to have constant growth. For some reason moving is the only way I feel that so far. I did it in middle school. I did it in high school. I did it in college. I did it again after college. Now I'm doing it again. Every move I've learned something new about myself and have learned how to be more like a person I actually aprove of when I look him in the eyes of the mirror. That can't be all bad can it? I do leave A LOT of friends behind, and I do HATE not getting to be with them and spend time with them. But I don't know. I'm starting to think that this is just part of who "me" is. And if this is just a part of me...then wouldn't that mean that not doing it would make me less of who "I" am? Do you think that I could possibly wear out my welcome with friends if I were to stay put for a longer period of time?

?

2008-10-25T12:25:00.003-04:00

I can't really think of anything to talk about? I think its because I haven't really had time to read in a while? But yeah...I'm clueless? I felt bad because I haven't wrote in this thing in two days but yeah :/ nothing. Maybe I'll write something later.

detox

2008-10-23T02:17:00.003-04:00

On my mind right now,

To all my friends that might kind of feel WAY out of the loop with the things happening in my life right now:

Sorry I haven't really told everyone exactly what is happening, but that is kind of what this blog is for...so that I can tell many people something all at one time.

I know it doesn't seem as personal, but I just don't have the time to be calling each and every one of you guys and give you the whole shpeal. That would be a part time job in itself :P and I have been trying my hardest just to get this whole thing set up for me and to get my family in the loop and in agreement with me.

Don't think for a second that this is easy for me or that this is GOING to be easy for me. I can't even imagine right now what it's going to be like not to even have a cell phone with me at all times yet alone not be able to just hop online and keep in touch with everyone...and that doesn't even BEGIN to touch me having to actually go through basic training! :P I'm really excited about it and I'm going to be one buff dude when I get out, but while I'm going through it, its going to be hell. It is definitely going to be somewhat of a detox for me...or a purification if you will. This is what I'm hoping for anyways. I feel like there is just so much crap still weighing me down from my early years and my early way of thinking that I just can't seem to grasp everything I've learned in college and in Orlando. I haven't been able to learn anything more in Atlanta either. I've just felt so stagnant here. Not going to lie.

I definitely feel that God has used me here, don't get me wrong, but I just don't feel right here. And I don't think that you should still feel that way about someplace where you've lived for THAT long. It's time to move on.

2 Samuel 22:35

2008-10-22T01:13:00.001-04:00

"He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze."

change is coming.

2008-10-20T23:17:00.002-04:00

I was at the MEPS station today for my ASVAB test and my physical. What all this means is that I got tested to see if I was eligible to join the Army.

I passed with some flying colors. :)

I received the position I was hoping for as well as all the benefits I was told I would get and I would have to say I'm pretty excited...and nervous at the same time. This is going to be a BIG change in my life. You guys have no idea the kind of change I'm talking here. Big. I am in need of this too. There are so many things I will be able to learn from this experience as well as just have the opportunity to experience things in general as someone such as a soldier. At the same time though, I am way nervous of these same things. I am scared to death of how far from my comfort zone I will be. This is all unknown. Crazy huh? So how do I know if this is from God or not? I honestly couldn't tell you one specific time where I just KNEW this was right, but I think that it has just been a much too bazaar turn of events to not be of something God wants in my life right now...right now anyways. I still have until I leave for Basic to FULLY decide on my position in the Army, but still. I don't know...I'm so tired so if this doesn't quite make sense, I don't even feel like rereading over this.

I leave for basic training on November 18th and I'll prolly be going home a week or two earlier to spend some time with my fam before I leave for good. Pray for me still as I still try to make sure this is the correct thing in my life right now. Ask me if you have any questions...I'll try to answer them to the best of my knowlege

excited and nervous

2008-10-19T20:39:00.002-04:00

These are two emotions I think should be in life often. If they are not, I would challenge you to rethink some things. Life is not static, nor should we strive to make it so. We should always be willing to put ourselves up for new challenges and new ideas, always trying to learn from our own experiences with ourselves and others. Do something brash. Do something to prove to yourself you are a man. God will praise you because he gives good gifts. Do something other than sing church songs to worship God. Boast in your strengths in your character to show God your thankfulness. Don't be so quick to point out your weaknesses, for this is how God boasts in his strengths to show his character.

Be proud that you are a beautiful child of God. Because God is proud of you.

Iron

2008-10-18T02:19:00.003-04:00

I think I'm discovering a pattern here. It seems the more I try to fix my problems, the more problems I start to have and the more my problems start to swallow me whole. It is only when I include others into my problems that I seem to slowly overcome my problems.

Accountability is a wonderful thing. We can say we need to do this or we need to start doing that, but until we actually find something to basically force us to do it, nothing is going to change. Believe it. We all pretty much suck and we need to start recognizing that we are so lucky that God has blessed us with friends in our lives. That God is willing to BE a friend in our lives.

I would encourage you to start being that friend to someone. The friend who encourages and holds their friends to a higher standard than what they hold themselves. You might just be lucky enough to start getting it back in return. I know that I seem to get it back when I need it the most. Every one of my friends are very dear to me and I wouldn't trade any of the time I've spent with each of you for anything else.

On the opposite side of this though, DO NOT go around pointing out everyone's faults. No one likes a self righteous punk. The way I see it, if your trying to hold your friends to a higher standard, you better be trying your hardest to get them to do it to you as well. Iron sharpens Iron. We have to be the same. We need to both be Iron.

Thanks for helping me to become a better me everyone.

This life is too hard to do it alone. Stop trying.

Middle Children of History

2008-10-16T16:10:00.001-04:00

"Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."

-Tyler Durden (Fight Club)

Army Strong?

2008-10-15T22:28:00.002-04:00

If you knew me back in high school, you knew as someone who would have slapped you in the face for even mentioning me and military in the same sentence. I had no desire to go to the military, no reason to...no reason whatsoever. Being who I am now, I had no business being in the Army back then as it was. I was very arrogant, self centered, self sufficient, emotionless, and driven. I had my mind made up on what I was doing next after I finally got out of high school.

In college, I learned many things. I learned a career, I learned how to live, I learned how to use my own money to pay for things, I learned how to save that money to make sure I could survive later on into the month, I learned how to be a good room mate, I learned how to know which friends were healthy for me to be around, which ones to steer away from.

I learned how to love.

I learned what a relationship with God looked like, I learned how to lose weight, I learned how to hold myself accountable, I learned how to find friends again, I learned how to get involved at a church, I learned how to put my friends before myself, I learned how to love my friends, I learned how to love my friends in Ohio, learned how to know who my real ones were, learned about my faith and why we as Christians believe what we do, I learned what love means, I learned how to better study my bible, I learned the fascination of Martial Arts, I learned what it felt like to be punched in the face.

I learned how to be in relationship with people the way Jesus was in relationship with people. Not to get them saved, but to show them there is a God who loves them.

I'm telling these things to prove a point. That since what I was in high school as changed drastically, who I was then has also been changing in this past year in Atlanta. Most of you who will probably be reading this blog didn't even know who I was in high school yet alone even know who I was in college. I've made a lot of new friends in some of the stages of my life.

My thoughts about the military really started happening maybe a year ago, maybe a little less than that with movies that I grew up with one of my favorites being Braveheart, and then movies such as 300, Gladiator, whatever, those types of movies being movies where I admire the character of the characters. I want to possess this type of character. This can be easily dismissed though. I then started thinking about the military again when I met a friend of mine who is in the Air Force Reserves down here (or up here depending on where your from) and what he talked about with what he's done, where he's gone, whatever. It's interesting though, because he's not even particularly fond of the military. I just found it interesting. But again, I dismissed it because that is not my career field. I wouldn't have any reason to join the military.

I then met another friend who was in the process of joining the Army as a camera operator. He told me about how the Army has careers in Audio, and that is when I really started thinking about it. This was probably beginning of the summer this year. We talked a lot about things because we spent Monday's at the pool being that Monday was our weekend. Thats when I started doing some research, and kind of secretly checking it out.

I haven't told anyone, not even my family, my interest until this week. I'm kind of embaressed to say that, but I was seriously scared of what everyone would think. I was scared of all the oppinions everyone would have to try and pursuade me to do whatever and when I finally told my Dad I was thinking about the military on Monday this week, he surprisingly didn't react the way I was expecting. Neither did my mom. Or my Aunt...for the most part, or my grandma. OR MY GRANDMA. I don't care when we've become friends, if you know me, you know that my grandma's oppinion matters SO much to me. I love her more than anyone. And she was supportive. Her husband, my grandfather was a veteran in the military and for an army wife to be supportive of her grandson being interested in the same career choice, that has really given me some confidence.

A lot of my close friends have been supportive as well. I have had some people freak out, but nothing to the extend as what I was scared of happening. But, with all this, let me speak of the position I have been offered in the United States Army...

I have been offered the position of Army MOS 25R Visual Information Equipment Operator/Maintainer.

You can search for that on youtube and find a description video speaking briefly on what this positions tasks would be. It looks very beneficial to my career as well as pretty fun to even do as a stable job for most of my 20's. I've been offered to have most of my student loans paid off, I've been offered an impressive sign on bonus, as well as full coverage health insurance, housing expenses, food allowances, and then after all that, they will still pay me to do my job for them. Because I have my bachelors degree, I will be promoted upon enrollment to an E4 which is an Army Specialist. Most start as E1's and I will be starting with two promotions before I'm even done with basic training.

I will get to learn how to get into shape, I will get to learn how to defend myself, how to shoot guns, how to grow up in general. They will completely rid me of my old habits and replace them with discipline and courage. As one of my favorite quotes in Fight Club go, "It is only after we lose everything that we're free to do anything." I feel I will be closer to accomplishing this which is honestly very important to me. I see a lot of spiritual truth in that quote.

Not only this, but I will have the chance to travel with money not being the issue and experience things that most people never get to experience. As for the danger in it, yes, there is the danger of the position, but my whole life has been based on being careful. I haven't done too much in my life so far that has been very adventurous. I want to experience that. I want my story to be as interesting as what I can make it, and I feel like the Army can be a very good step in this direction in my life. To use another Fight Club quote, "I just don't want to die without a few scars."

So I know this has been a long post and I hope that some have read it in its entirety before messaging me or texting me with questions about this when I think I've addressed most of it in here. And the one thing I am asking for is prayer. I NEED prayer for wisdom in these next few weeks to be able to decide whether this is for me or not. I don't have much time to decide before the position isn't available anymore. Thank you for your support and I hope that you will keep me in your prayers.

act like it

2008-10-13T01:10:00.003-04:00

So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.

Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.

And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That's a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It's because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn't long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it's all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk.

Don't lie to one another. You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire. Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.

So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

Colossians 3:1-14

I've never really wanted The Message translation of the Bible until tonight with this scripture. This is amazing.

kick the habit

2008-10-11T02:41:00.002-04:00

So today I had a conversation with someone about their faith and such. Well, I guess you could say I just listened really. I've found that its pretty easy for a Christian to talk a whole lot about faith, but it surprisingly takes a lot of control to just sit there and listen to someone talk about their faith and not interrupt them when you know that something they're saying isn't biblical or just plan isn't right.

Well, I think I accidentally brought up the topic because we started talking about how he was trying to quit smoking and how he felt like this time he would be able to do it for sure. I told him I can relate cause there was a time in my life when I just knew that I could completely be a Christian now. "It just finally clicked with me," I told him, "I haven't had much trouble with not being a Christian since." This got him talking a whole lot. About Christianity. About Faith. About what he believes in and why he feels what he believes is ok.

There were more than a dozen times I could have have interrupted telling him why he was wrong, why I was right, telling him how God really is, telling him why he should check out our church, whatever. But I didn't. I just listened. He obviously wouldn't have just started spitting all that out if he wasn't truly searching with his life right now.

I wasn't the one who "saved" him tonight. I wasn't the one to help him "find Jesus"

What I do hope and pray I did tonight though, is that I opened his heart a bit more. Open it up to other Christians like me. Ones who are in a closer relationship with him than I am. I hope I got him thinking about things again.

Jesus didn't need my help spreading the gospel for 1,987 years give or take, I trust Jesus knows what he's doing in that man's life well enough to know what he needs next...whatever soul he uses to connect with him next time. Jesus used me good enough for today.

Workshop

2008-10-09T22:27:00.002-04:00

God takes care of us. When we're scared. When we're at a loss for hope. When we're running away from things. Responsibility. God is there and he slowly prepares us for the next stage of our life if we are trying to live for him. We don't even realize it because of our narrow vision. But God sees all things, in all times to come. We need to put our trust in him, and know that God will take care of us. We need to also be willing to speak our mind to God about things. We think God has us here at a certain time for a certain reason, well what is it God? Why are you making me feel this way? I think I'm scared God. God is an excellent teacher, but just like any teacher, we can't get questions answered if we don't ask them. And just like the old cliche, There is no stupid questions.

The image that comes to mind when I think of how God is with these issues is my Grandpa when I'm helping him in the workshop. My Grandpa was an excellent carpenter, and knew his way around the workshop easily. I would see him work dangerous tools, some of which he would let me use to help. He would teach me how to use them, but he would also steer me clear of any tool I wasn't ready to handle. It was dangerous and exciting in the workshop with my grandpa. This is how a life with God should be.

The scripture that inspired this was 1 Kings 19:1-7

I encourage you to read this.

Forward

2008-10-09T00:05:00.002-04:00

In a time when seeing clearly is a normal occurrence
When Father speaks loudly in words of assurance
Its gone in a flash,
A nostalgic past
We're never prepared for the times of endurance

John 4:7-12

2008-10-07T23:26:00.002-04:00

"7When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, "Will you give me a drink?" 8(His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)

9The Samaritan woman said to him, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.^[a])

10Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water."

11"Sir," the woman said, "you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? 12Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?""

Sounds like us sometimes doesn't it?

We don't even have a clue what we're talking about when we talk to God.

What I got from this scripture when I read it today:

"Shut up and listen."

Well, God, I thought I have been? What is it that you want to tell me? Teach me the proper way to listen.

History repeats itself

2008-10-07T00:00:00.003-04:00

I don't think I fit in. I don't think I ever did. I feel the closer I get to God, the farther I get from people and vice versa. This is what happened to me when I was a child, and I feel like this is starting to happen all over again. Why does everything have to be so damn difficult. I hate all this.

Part 2

2008-10-05T23:19:00.002-04:00

My cousin just came up here and asked me to pray with her and that really kind of threw me off. I guess just how I JUST wrote about how I am feeling with God and then her feeling like I'm still someone she can come to and feel comfortable praying with? It's a weird feeling trying to get close to God for prayer when you don't feel close to God to pray. I couldn't even imagine what a minister might feel like if put in that same situation? And I'm sure they're put in that situation? But I don't know...it kind of got me thinking just about how we can still come to God for comfort and come and get close to God for the sake of intercession, but still not feeling ok with where you guys are if that make sense? Who knows, maybe this will be something that gets my attention with my own relationship. All I know is that it seemed to be right on cue. Marcus talks about how he feels about God today...bad, cue cousin walking in and wanting him to pray with her.

Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.

2008-10-05T22:14:00.002-04:00

How I feel about God today:

- Long Distant

- Nostalgic

- Impatient

- Clueless

- Trapped

- Unaware

- Agree to disagree

- Bored

- Bland

- Unanswered

These are not good things to have come to mind when I ask the question how do I feel about God...why do I feel this way? How can I start to change it? What do I need to start doing or not doing? Do I even belong here in Atlanta? Why do I still continue to ask myself that? How do I make that decision if I don't? Hmm...there is going to be some serious change here at the Truex household in the next few weeks...maybe that will answer some of the questions about what I'm supposed to do? Until then, I guess the only thing left for me to do is to continue waiting? MAN, I hate waiting.

To whom this may concern:

2008-10-04T14:42:00.003-04:00

Dear Soccer Moms and other cookie cutter "American Family" Members to whom this may concern,

The sinners want their Savior back and are unable to see him underneath your overcasting shadow. Please move your H2 Hummer with the Jesus Fish on the back to the rear of the parking lot so that others can find some room. Thank you.

Reason--Purpose--Self-esteem

2008-10-04T02:14:00.002-04:00

I can't think of anything to write that I feel like getting into tonight. If I try any longer, I'm going to be up all night, no joke. So I guess I will leave with a quote tonight by one of my fictional heroes, John Galt, from the book Atlas Shrugged.

"My morality, the morality of reason, is contained in a single axiom: existence exists--and in a single choice: to live. The rest proceeds from these. To live, man must hold three things as the supreme and ruling values of his life: Reason--Purpose--Self-esteem. Reason, as his only tool of knowledge--Purpose, as his choice of the happiness which that tool must proceed to achieve--Self-esteem, as his inviolate certainty that his mind is competent to think and his person is worthy of happiness, which means: is worthy of living."

I want to go deeper into this quote and explain why it is so good to me. So good that I chose to have these three values as my subtitle in my blog, but that will be for another night. I need to try and get to sleep. Good Night :)

Answers to the Blog "God the Conditional Lover"

2008-10-02T23:40:00.002-04:00

I started to respond back to Sarah with a comment on my blog but then it kind of got lengthy and profound and I thought some others might like to read about some of these thoughts...

What I'm talking about in the book, "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller is on page 27, second paragraph. when he's talking about that tv preacher guy.

But basically what I was saying in that blog was that I can't believe that God, the loving one he claims to be, and the one I KNOW him to be, punishes people for their sin.

The second part of the blog being me explaining how I thought the sin punishing thing works itself out by saying that because God gave us free will, we choose the path of hell by choosing sin meaning we choose to go to a place where God's presence cannot be found. Now this will really throw you off, but I actually don't QUITE believe in a physical place, "Hell." I don't believe that God would make such a place, and since God created everything, that would mean that he would have had to create the place we come to call Hell. What I believe to be Hell is exactly what it is, being the place where sin is. And since that is the place where sin is and God hates sin and can't be around sin, the only thing that Hell is to me is a place where God is not present. Now I don't want you to dismiss the importance of not going there though by mistaking me for trying to play down the fact of that being ALL it is, because God not being present somewhere is a BIG deal.

Let me say that again...God not being present someplace is a BIG BIG deal.

THAT to me is what Hell is. Now through the years and generations, people have come to try and describe what that would be by saying it would be eternal punishment, lava and pointy horn red dudes running around stabbing you with pitch forks and all that junk we've attached to it, but I feel that what the essence of Hell is, is a place where God is not present.

And since I feel that we as people, with free will, choose to "go to hell" by not accepting Jesus and his teaching and his gift of sacrifice for our sins, our "punishment" so to speak is God ultimately giving those people what they ask of him...a place where he isn't present.

And since God loves those people JUST as much as he love you or I, as a final act of love, even though he knows they'll regret it, he gives it to them. And only God knows what it could POSSIBLY feel like to not feel his presence. :( it scares me just to think about it.

Anyways, I hope that answers some questions and maybe sparks some new ones ;)

Tyler Durden

2008-10-02T15:11:00.001-04:00

I really want to watch Fight Club right now. Soon. Soon Mr. Durden.

Sacrificial Integrity

2008-10-02T00:34:00.002-04:00

So as I was thinking about something that happened today that I wanted to expound on, something FINALLY came to mind...as I was listening to The Black Keys, Your Touch song...if you don't know the black keys you have to GET to know them! Best thing since Jimi Hendrix, but anyways, something that I thought about today was how sometimes I feel like I get myself into a Christian Bubble. Not the Christian bubble as you would think though. My kind of Christian bubble is one in which I only show love and let down my guard like I don't have anything to hide or protect or whatever.

I feel that sometimes, I think because of the way I grew up, that around outsiders, I have to keep up my guard and watch for things that those people might be doing to make me compromise my morals or my character and maybe put me into a bad situation. Where this is a good idea to have, I feel that once I've reached a certain familiarity with the person, and they know exactly how I stand on certain issues and they respect me for the man of character I try to be, I feel that then it should be my job to initiate TRUE relationship with them.

Not compromising my integrity, but putting it aside as a sacrific to relate to someone who, otherwise, would not be able to relate.

I don't know if this makes ANY sense whatsoever, or if I'm just COMPLETELY not explaining this very well, but that is just something I felt today. I feel that I need to start showing some of the same love I do to my Christian friends to my other friends.

God the conditional lover

2008-10-01T00:07:00.002-04:00

So tonight at small group we were discussing the book that we are going through right now, Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller, and in chapter two he says something along the lines of because of what this person has done, God will punish him for it and he will have to suffer and beg God not to send him to Hell. Now this is paraphrased, but not much. I really struggle with this part and really struggle with seeing Donald as one who is against this exact same stuff because of what he JUST said that sounds so much like the very same people he has a problem against.

I can't believe that God would EVER do this to one of us as his children. The bible teaches us that God loves us so much that he sent his only son to DIE for us so that we could be connected to him again in relationship. God hates sin and Jesus died to pay the price for our sin so God could be with us again. :)

You've heard it said, God is Love. That is what I believe. God is Love and love is not making someone suffer for what they've done if its not willingly as with the case of Jesus. Yes its true that people go to hell and yes its true that those people will suffer, but that is not God's intentions. God does NOT want to send his children to Hell. Hell is something we choose for ourselves by not accepting Jesus. By not accepting Jesus' gift of Eternal life. Jesus came as an example for us so that with his death and his resurrection, Jesus continues to live through us when we decide to live for him. When we choose to consciously reject this, that is when God is forced by us, through his loving gift of free will, to give us up to our own sinful nature. That in which all sin has to be punished and since all sin must be punished and we aren't allowing Jesus to take the punishment for our sins, his gift that we don't willingly accept, we have to pay the price ourselves which is death. And since we don't have the power over death like Jesus does, we stay in death. And from what I hear death hurts? That is what I have come to believe about that whole Hell and punishment thing.

But I want to make it clear that GOD DOES NOT PUNISH YOU FOR WHATEVER YOU DO AGAINST HIM!!! God is love,

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

To say that God is the one who does the punishing and the sending to hell:

1) shows God is not patient enough to let the person repent
2) shows that God is not always kind because some people he damns to hell
3) shows that God boasts about how he is sinless and that we are not
4) shows that God is too proud to accept us for who we are
5) shows that God is self seeking because he is more concerned about who he lets into heaven then being the unconditonal loving God that he also says he is
6) shows that God DOES delight in evil, because murder is evil (it is one of the 10 commandments) and murdering someone for eternity, I think, could be considered worse than murdering someone as we know it from this life
7) shows that God can get easily angered depending on what sin you commit
8) shows that God does keep records of wrong if you do certain things
9) shows that God doesn't always protect because he's sending people to hell...the most unsafe place we could ever know or not know depending on how you want to look at it
10) blah blah...I think you get the point.

So this is how I feel about the God I call my own. My God is a loving God...one that is SO loving that he gives us the choice of heaven or hell even though he knows that the choice that we REALLY want is Heaven, but some people just don't want to accept that. How many times have you not done what your parents told you to do, when after you do it, you realize that what they told you to do was the right thing to do ultimately. How many of you HATE it when your parents force you to do things that they feel is right? God loves us so much that he showed us the right way to go AND he doesn't force us to do it. That is my God.

Wind. Spirit.

2008-09-29T22:48:00.003-04:00

John 3:8
The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.

The Spirit goes where it pleases? Like the wind? Its free to take our lives on whichever path it chooses? As you can hear the wind blow, the spirit is known through the transformation of our lives in time. I can see how the spirit has used different things in my life to start getting me into changing my life. I'm not the same person I was at all before I understood my relationship with God. I don't quite understand everything that the Spirit has me going through yet, but in time, I will see how this plays an important role in my character hopefully? I feel that the Holy Spirit ultimately can be trusted...even though sometimes its REALLY hard to see the good through such crazy pain.

smorgasbord

2008-09-29T02:17:00.004-04:00

So I know that I said that I was going to try and post every single day. Well I was doing ok for a while, but this weekend hit and I was EXTREMELY busy so I didn't take the chance to just sit down and write. There WERE believe it or not, a lot of things that I DID want to write about so I'm going to take some time to briefly write about all of them in one post...

youth conference weekend.

I ran sound for a youth conference this weekend and I really enjoyed it. It would be amazing to work for a church doing all that stuff. Maybe someday, God will open up some doors to work for a church (nudge nudge wink wink, God) ha! But until something like that comes along, I'm stuck doing whatever I can find. Some thoughts on this particular conference though were about the speaker. I felt as though the speaker was very out of touch with the audience he was speaking to. Most of his lessons were about self discipline and about how you should live a life pleasing to God which is a very good lesson to teach essentially.

But with such a topic, comes a lot of responsibility in determining the best way to approach and connect to your audience. The way he did, I felt as though he were speaking to a small group of male, Christian adults. He even got on a kick about how the parents should have boundaries set for their children. Preaching about that, when his audience is a bunch of kids! Now, if that wasn't enough to disengage the rest of his message probably was. Now I can't say that he literally said this, because that would mean that I was paying WAY much more attention to his words than I really was, but throughout his lessons, I couldn't help but think that it sounded as though he was saying that in order for God to give you love, you have to live a life pleasing to him.

Now this struck me very deeply, because this was and still is an issue that I had with my relationship with God growing up. No matter how hard I try sometimes, I CAN'T stop sinning. Now you can call that what you want, but that is the nature of my crappy human self. I try all the time to stop and sometimes I can go a while without. But eventually I mess up again. And growing up, going to many of these types of conferences, I grew to think that God only loves me if I live a pleasing life.

I need to fix my problems before I can have a relationship with God.

That is basically what I thought about the whole Christian thing until about 2 years or so ago. And slowly God has been detoxing me from that mindset. I've had the real truth in my heart since 2006 and I STILL struggle with seeing that to be truth every once and a while.

I'm scared these kids heard lies instead of the truth about God's love even though I KNOW with all my heart that this speaker has pure intentions. God loves us regardless of what we do or who we are or who we were or what we've done. And because of this, when we finally start to feel this love to be real, God loves us too much to let us live our lives the way we have. So slowly, he starts to clean us up. At our own pace. Breaking down walls, breaking down addictions, breaking down false beliefs, breaking down false images of him.

THIS is some of the truth that kids and young adults like me need to hear. Not more people telling us how good we have to be. Us church kids already know how good we're SUPPOSE to be. We've heard it our entire lives.

______________________________________

Me. God is using me?

So today at church my friend got baptized and on her video she mentioned MY name as one of the people who helped her to that decision. Did I REALLY help her to that decision?! When did this happen? HOW did this happen? For the past year now, I have felt like a failing Christian. I have felt so stagnant not only in my christian walk, but also in my career. I have felt SO trapped and SO lost and about everything and STILL do?! I have never been so unsure of myself in my life until this past year and right now in my life. Hearing my friend say that I'm still making a difference in someone's life made me feel a little bit more at peace tonight. The lesson at church tonight was about pivital circumstances and I have been feeling like I've been going through one since I've moved here. But hearing that God is still able to use someone like me when I'm not nearly the man that I someday hope to be? That is truly amazing. That is truly a blessing. Maybe God really IS turning me into the man I want to be. The man HE wants me to be.

they're exercising their rights... (sigh)

2008-09-25T20:06:00.002-04:00

Dancing Is A Right.

...All the rights we have as a country and these are the ones they use to try and make voting more appealing. Do we REALLY want the people who would actually take this type of video to heart voting anyways?

...just a thought.

Character Plant

2008-09-24T23:57:00.002-04:00

Today was a day of feeling satisfied with my work and not getting compensated the correct amount for the quality of work that I did. I have had a lot of days where I have not felt satisfied with my work and felt bad for the amount I did get paid, so I guess these kinds of days are where karma evens you out. Which isn't a bad thing. We must learn to always try our best and work to the best of our abilities because Character and Integrity is like a plant. When it is planted, it goes unnoticed except by the gardener. It takes much patience and carefulness to care for the plant. But sooner or later, as it digs its roots, there comes a time for this plant to surface and when it does, its beauty is not easily looked over. Its shade is enjoyed by all who gather underneath its branches.

7|22

2008-09-24T00:40:00.002-04:00

So I was kind of thinking about what was said at 7|22 tonight and what has been said in the past at 7|22 and its cool and all...but I'm scared that the message might be taken the wrong way just like many church messages are taken. 7|22 seems to want to be VERY mission minded as in wanting to go out and change the world and bring people to Christ and blah blah blah...which is a very good thing. But I feel there is more to the message than just this. I feel in being able to do this, you have to be continually seeking Jesus in a personal very closely knit, relational way. I feel that the only way you're going to be able to know for sure if your heart is currently in the correct place for such a big responsibility is through accountability and through having men or women very close to you who can see what needs to be addressed and what needs to be worked on.

I don't really EVER feel this is the case at Buckhead Church. Maybe this is just because I have found it so hard to find some men in the church here to do this with and am still struggling with having men up to the task of this, and I hope that I am the only one who is having this problem, but I don't think that is the case. I feel that BECAUSE Buckhead Church is a "Church for people who don't like Church" and because it is a church of very young faith amongst its believers, that we as a congregation do not even know that this is the sort of stuff we need to be effective at loving others outside our walls.

My point to all this is how would you know this type of stuff if you weren't told? You wouldn't. Its not like while your reading your bible during your quiet time you can just read a verse and it just pop into your head...I need accountability to effectively love someone else! erecka! And I don't think that we put enough emphasis on that importance of personal accountability and integrity and the responsibility we have to let the Holy Spirit pour into us so that when we do have the chance to pour into the lives of others, we aren't spiritually dried up and just simply going through the motions of Religion that too many of us are familiar when it comes to trying to trying to invite a friend to church or have that discussion about Jesus with our outsider friends. Because we learned about it this summer at 7|22 and we have to recognize it...they like Jesus, but they don't like the Church.

I lied

2008-09-23T17:40:00.002-04:00

Today at work I lied to my manager. I don't know why I did it. I don't know any reason whatsoever why I did it besides the fact that it got me out of having to pay him $5. Now this is ridiculous because I'll tell you why...

For $5, I compromised my integrity to where now, my word can't even mean the same thing to me yet alone it meaning the same to that manager personally, yet alone all the other managers that he asked around about to see if I WAS telling the truth or not.

For $5, I started my day off HORRIBLY where the whole, prolly first hour, I was just thinking about it and letting it dwell, I was scared to say other things in fear that I would be cornered into having to make up other lies so I didn't really speak to anyone at the beginning.

In the end, I ended up telling him and giving him $5, so I could salvage what dignity I had left and feel like a man again instead of a coward. So really, I didn't even get the $5 this was about. Sucks doesn't it? I don't know...I feel better now though I guess? Hopefully he finds it in him to forgive me and forget about this little mishap. But at least the burden of this is off my shoulders. And that is a good thing. I don't handle stuff like that very well.

Mixed Signals

2008-09-22T20:45:00.002-04:00

I really wish I could just choose a routine and stick with it. I would love to have a way that I spend my days every day and that be my little thing. Wake up early every morning. Go on a run to my gym that I'm a member of, work out, run back to the house, jump in the shower, spend my quiet time, catch up on some news off my iPhone, eat breakfast, get to work, actually feel competent enough to feel satisfied with my performance, get home, do some reading from my current book of choice, eat dinner, go to my evening activity for the night whether that be small group, the living room, band rehearsal, a concert, or just hanging out with friends, and then go home, get online, do my blog, check my facebook and myspace and email, write in my journal, then go to bed and wake up and do it all over again. I wish that could be my routine...but its not. How perfect would that be? haha.

I don't even know where to begin on getting that kind of a routine started? I guess finding a career that isn't so unstable? On the other hand, I would LOVE to be more into the music scene, working concerts, going to see bands, signing bands to my label, managing bands, talking to labels and studios about recording contracts, tour dates, talking to venue owners about booking gigs staying up late, sleeping in late, waking up, getting all my stuff done, then doing it all over again the next night.

Then again, I would LOVE to work for a church. Pouring into peoples lives, helping them weed through some of their false images of God, helping them experience the HUGE, loving, responsible, just, merciful, all knowing, purposful, relational God that I don't even really know all that well (because God is infinity) then I wouldn't even have to worry about work and all that stuff cause going to church and having a ministry IS my work! that would be amazing too.

I wish I could make up my mind on what I want to do with my life and I wish I had a bit more clarity on which direction God wants me to take. I guess you kind of have to just pick one and go at it until you get a clear response on whether that one is correct or not? who knows?

"9 Be happy, young man, while you are young,
and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth.
Follow the ways of your heart
and whatever your eyes see,
but know that for all these things
God will bring you to judgment.

10 So then, banish anxiety from your heart
and cast off the troubles of your body,
for youth and vigor are meaningless."

Ecclesiastes 11:9-10

masquerade

2008-09-21T16:01:00.002-04:00

It pisses me off that sometimes I feel like the only Christian with problems. I know I'm not...the bible teaches me differently. But that still leaves all these Christians running around our churches week after week seeming to not have a care in the world. I wish that maybe once a month we could have a Sunday where it was all about getting our anger and frustration out as worship to God. Where we could all just go there...maybe have a worship band up there who sounded like Norma Jean or Underoath, and we could mosh and sweat and praise a God who is DEFINITELY the one...being...object? that can handle some of our rage as a people. I feel that this would help us to first, find people who we relate to the most through our pains and learn from each other on how to handle certain things. Then two, we would be able to just unwind a bit. Chill out. Let God take our angers and pains away so that people wouldn't have to be at the recieving end of it all. I have just a bit under two hours until church starts and I can't say I'm feeling it at all. I definitely won't be having a friendly face on tonight I'm afraid.

"18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that^[i] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

Romans 8:18-27

Least of These

2008-09-20T02:33:00.002-04:00

So I found myself thinking throughout the day about the people who I consider hard to love.

For me these are the incompetent people who feel that the world owes them something for them just being them. The people who no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to talk to them without getting into an argument about something. The people who just won't stop nagging or, to use an old saying, won't stop "beating a dead horse." And then the last one, one that has just started to enter into this category, people who practice the art of pull. These are the people who use favors or other types of "gifts" against you to make you feel guilty or to make you feel obligated or make you feel like you owe them something.

I think what got me started thinking about this was while making lunch today, my cousin had the T.V. on and tuned into the Murry show and it had people on there in hopes of finding out test results to see who the true father of various women's babies were. It broke my heart first to see these people on there not knowing anything different on how skewed their lives were and second, that we actually find people like this entertaining instead of feeling a dire need to help them find something deeper. My next thoughts were then, how in the world do you love someone like the types of people these people are? What does that even look like? How would they even begin a journey into Christianity, when for all you can see, they would already be too far gone to ever understand anything about what it means for them to be a Christian?

God loves these broken people. What does it look like for us to prove that to them?

The Titanspark Requiem

2008-09-19T01:07:00.000-04:00

I've decided to start an official blog. There. I've done it. The easy part is over and it wasn't even all that easy. I had a time thinking of the name for my blog and after sitting here for a bit listening to Brand New, flipping through some of my favorite movies, books, music, and video games, thinking of different quotes from each, thinking of similarities AND differences between them all and how to connect them all to my blog while still keeping MY thoughts and MY interpretations of these ideas as original as what I would like to think of them to be, I have decided on the name, "The Titanspark Requiem."

For my first blog, I would like to explain the significance of this title as it pertains to me. First, Titanspark, a mixture between the words titan and spark. A titan, as defined by the Oxford American Dictionary, is a person or thing of very great strength, intellect, or importance. A spark, defined by the same dictionary, is a small fiery partical thrown off from a fire. As a young man who has willingly decided to dedicate his life to a man and his teachings, in hopes of the promises he has made about eternal life, in believing that he truly IS the way, the truth, and the light to our father, God, I hope to be a spark resembling that fire, resembling that titan, the man, the God, Jesus Christ. Requiem, as defined, is an act or token of rememberance. I want this blog to be both an act and a token for that rememberance of my commitment to being the Titanspark, a disciple of Jesus.

My hopes for this blog is for you to read this and be inspired. Inspired to take steps into a deeper faith. One that is personal, living, breathing, painful, beautiful, and loving. Whatever that might look like to you personally. This blog is about what it looks like to me. I'm just as messed up as you are, if not worse. I'm not claiming to have any answers for any of your questions. But I am promising that there is more to the Christian faith than what our culture in America has come to know. I've started to experience it. And it has completely messed my life up.