Swing

I think I'm a little bit more moody than I give myself credit for...

Lovesick

To be so far gone from what I used to know everyday
forgotten, really, how to even perform correctly.
How do I get something like that back?
Love.
The more I try to feel it, the further I am from such an emotion.
I've forgotten how to love.
Because love isn't something I get is it? It's something I give first.
And how can I love when I feel empty?

To move forward.
Even though I long for the past.
Is he tired of my laments?
I can't seem to put my savior first anymore.
So how much is too much?
How much patience do you REALLY have?
Because I know I'm not finished yet.
How do I get something like that back?
Love.
And how can I love when I feel so empty?

What is my diagnosis?

Update:AIT

So...I've been living at Ft. Meade, Maryland since Feb 22nd of this year and until last week I've been just hanging out here on AFI (awaiting further instruction) but, last week, on Wednesday, I FINALLY started some classes :) now only 7 more months or so to go before I'm finally out of soldier training and become a REAL real soldier :P How many soldiers can say that they've been in the Army for a year before they even complete there training? ha...that just gives you a little bit of a taste on how tough my job actually is. So, we've started class, and since I'm the highest ranking student, I was elected class leader. Me. Yeah, its pretty cool and kind of stressful at the same time, but all in all I'm pretty sure that this is what I wanted. I need to start getting leadership roles so that I can be recommended for Officier Candidate School fairly quickly. I'm pretty sure that I want to be an officier still...of course, it all depends on how stellar this job actually turns out to be.

Other than that, I've finally made it to phase 5, so I'm allowed to wear civilian clothes again, allowed to go off base on the weekends, you know...I have limited freedom again. Still not allowed to have my car back and whatnot, but hopefully by mid may, I'll be able to make phase 5+ and be allowed to take weekend trips and have my car and whatnot. I don't really know how thats going to go yet :P I've never had weekends completely free before with some extra spending money to actually do something! We'll see how it goes :P Other than that, there really isn't too much left to talk about of interest. It's all kind of just a matter of time before something happens again. Class, Studying, and PT make up my days for the most part right now. I've been watching movies and playing soccer in addition to that, but the Army keeps most of my hours full. Hope everyone is doing well and hopefully everyone had a good easter weekend? Mine was kind of non-existance as I am still having trouble finding my way to a church other than the one on base. Hopefully in a few weeks I'll have the whole traveling without a car thing down? Give me some time, I've never NOT had a car before :X

appreciate

So yesterday was my first day to be allowed off base without the exception of my special pass for when my family came to visit. Some friends I've made here and I decided to go to the mall for a little while before we had to be back for early bed check because of our training this morning. But we were at a store and my friend was trying on a hat. She came and asked me what I thought and I told her that it looked pretty good. She then told me that was one of the first compliments I've given her. I've known her since I've gotten here a month or so ago and I haven't complimented her till now?! Wow, you have no idea how much of a jerk I felt I was. She's one of those people who between us we pick on each other...kind of like a brother/sister relationship and so this is why its never crossed my mind before. I don't know, but I need to change this. I can't have that being the only nice thing I've said to her. People need to know they are appreciated and loved. How will they ever know if they're friends don't tell them? How can I show them Jesus if I'm not showing his character?

poison

Philippians 4:8-9
"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."

Ever since I've gotten here I've let the latter of these things in the verse to poison my thoughts. Every day...since prolly I failed my first PT test, all I've been dwelling on has been the bad in this place. All types of things have been getting on my nerves that usually don't bother me too much to affect my mood. I got a letter from my friend Alisa today that had this verse...well...not this exact verse, but 6 and 7 instead...I just cheated and read further :X and it really made me start thinking about this.

I'm not going to deny...there are a lot of things bringing me down in this place...I think the biggest reason for that is because there is a lot of downtime. I HATE downtime...it makes me do bad things, and the worst part about the things bringing me down here is that with the group of people I'm with, there is absolutely no problem finding someone who agrees with you. You know that saying how sour people hang out in packs? (or something like that) well its true...I've been doing it :P and its come to my attention that I need to cease. This place is a necessary stop on my adventure and I need to treat it as such no matter what I'm doing (or not doing) and not get bent out of shape when others don't seem to take on the same attitude. Reason, Purpose, and Self-Esteem...that is what my favorite book, Atlas Shrugged, says are the highest values a man can hold. My attitude needs to stay at the level that I have set and not sink down to be at the same standard as others around me. God has already saved me from that lifestyle. And has taught me how to live at the higher standard. The standard that allows me to be poured out as a drink offering. The same standard Paul lived by making him able to live the way he did for Christ and still have Joy.

I've forgotten my quest to hit bottom.

writers block OR christian algebra

I apologize for never really updating this thing, but the truth of the matter is that nothing is coming to mind of what I want to talk about. Everything I think of is either something personal that I don't want on the internet, or something really stupid that I would feel like a preacher talking about and my goal for this blog is not to sound like a preacher :P no offense to those preachers out there, but yeah...I want to put lessons out there that are obvious to the audience that I'm struggling with the same thing as what they might be struggling with. Things that preachers would get voted out of the church for having sermons about.

Wow. I just thought about something to talk about. ha.

I would say for about the past 2-3 months I have not gone to a church. This is not counting last week where I finally took up the courage to try out the service they have here at Ft. Meade (wonderful experience might I add *cough*) Nevertheless, church, I've come to notice, is not something a part of the community in the Military, but something that you go to on Sunday. I say this because it is both true for the individuals who don't go to church AS WELL AS those who DO go to church every Sunday. It is an activity in which American Christians go to because that is what God, the original American, has told us in the American Bible to do lest we turn to heathens and go to hell when we die.

Everything in the Military has a regulation. The way you dress, the way you cut your hair, the way you make your bed, the way you keep your locker, the way you keep your room, the way you stretch, the way you address other people, the way you walk, the way you turn, the way you drink water. With this, I feel, is probably the reason why the church has been transformed into what it is here, but let me just say that this is not the way God intended Christianity to be. A relationship with God should NOT be like the military. It is more fluid than this, it is more relational than this, it is more grey than this. It is the difference between a pre sized suit and a custom tailored suit.

Now I'm not quite sure what point I'm trying to make here, but I wish that the churches I've sat through thus far in the military didn't feel so robotic. I'm here saying that I'm kind of confused on what to do right now in regards to getting spiritually fed. I wonder if Jesus ever felt this way when he was human going to churches and feeling like he was the only one who didn't treat God like a math equation. I've seen Christians who could kill me at the biblical brain game (and do it), close non-believers up tighter than a snare drum and have no doubt at all that the non believer was in the wrong. I've also been fortunate enough to have conversations with people and see their walls melt just because of my openness to listen and not give them my Christian advice. The military is not a very Godly place, even at church...this is just my experience, and I'm kind of baffled in what I might be able to do when I can't even find a battle buddy to go to church with.

stymie

I was so sure, but
today I was defeated.
How can I get up?