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You guys have no idea how many times I've wrote in this thing, then, deleted it.

unforced rhythms

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." -Jesus (message translation)

I want to learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I want to learn to live freely and lightly. I want to have a beautiful death.

Why do I constantly betray myself? Why do I meekly snuff out my own flame? To relate? To have a place in this broken world? How grotesque and mutilated am I? I'm tired and burned out on all the advice of self help books and bible college graduates and preachers. I need something different. I need you to show me MY way. I know I'm not a special case Father but man could you help me not feel like one? I can't relate anymore. Blinded by my own imperfectness, I can't seem to make out the bigger picture even though I know all my problems are so little. Help me. I feel so distant and I know I'm the one who's moved.

we will never presume again

People change. I am not the exception.

untitled

For the first time, I truly miss the familiar.
To fear my prime has finally reached its peak.
Is there any left?
have my strengths forsaken me?
I Shall horde the remnants to bear the cold of a long winter's storm.
Storing up, stacking high all my hopes to rough the impossible feat ahead of me.
As a beaver makes his damn, so do I prepare my chamber.
And there I rest, unaware of the first sign of Spring.

others escape.

And I swear I'll know your face in the crowd
And I'll hear your voice so loud
When you're whispering

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another.

destroy & rebuild

There is something really exciting about starting something new. Almost like a drug I think that I'm addicted to. Just like a new version of software fixing all the bugs from the previous version is the feeling of starting over, breaking down what you built to move what you've learned to somewhere else and start again. Meeting new people, living different places but more wise than you were before. Learning from your mistakes, refining your personality, becoming the man that you and God can agree on. Seeing how other places do church. Community. There is just something really exciting about starting something new. And I can't wait for this opportunity I have to witness it again in Miami. Thank you to everyone I've met in my life up to this point. No matter how we know each other, I guarantee you've touched my life in some way and I know that I've learned something from it. I appreciate that. Miami, I'll see you Sunday!

Sorry

I'm sorry I don't really Post anything nowadays, but I just don't feel like I should at this time in my life...It just doesn't feel right :/

Swing

I think I'm a little bit more moody than I give myself credit for...

Lovesick

To be so far gone from what I used to know everyday
forgotten, really, how to even perform correctly.
How do I get something like that back?
Love.
The more I try to feel it, the further I am from such an emotion.
I've forgotten how to love.
Because love isn't something I get is it? It's something I give first.
And how can I love when I feel empty?

To move forward.
Even though I long for the past.
Is he tired of my laments?
I can't seem to put my savior first anymore.
So how much is too much?
How much patience do you REALLY have?
Because I know I'm not finished yet.
How do I get something like that back?
Love.
And how can I love when I feel so empty?

What is my diagnosis?

Update:AIT

So...I've been living at Ft. Meade, Maryland since Feb 22nd of this year and until last week I've been just hanging out here on AFI (awaiting further instruction) but, last week, on Wednesday, I FINALLY started some classes :) now only 7 more months or so to go before I'm finally out of soldier training and become a REAL real soldier :P How many soldiers can say that they've been in the Army for a year before they even complete there training? ha...that just gives you a little bit of a taste on how tough my job actually is. So, we've started class, and since I'm the highest ranking student, I was elected class leader. Me. Yeah, its pretty cool and kind of stressful at the same time, but all in all I'm pretty sure that this is what I wanted. I need to start getting leadership roles so that I can be recommended for Officier Candidate School fairly quickly. I'm pretty sure that I want to be an officier still...of course, it all depends on how stellar this job actually turns out to be.

Other than that, I've finally made it to phase 5, so I'm allowed to wear civilian clothes again, allowed to go off base on the weekends, you know...I have limited freedom again. Still not allowed to have my car back and whatnot, but hopefully by mid may, I'll be able to make phase 5+ and be allowed to take weekend trips and have my car and whatnot. I don't really know how thats going to go yet :P I've never had weekends completely free before with some extra spending money to actually do something! We'll see how it goes :P Other than that, there really isn't too much left to talk about of interest. It's all kind of just a matter of time before something happens again. Class, Studying, and PT make up my days for the most part right now. I've been watching movies and playing soccer in addition to that, but the Army keeps most of my hours full. Hope everyone is doing well and hopefully everyone had a good easter weekend? Mine was kind of non-existance as I am still having trouble finding my way to a church other than the one on base. Hopefully in a few weeks I'll have the whole traveling without a car thing down? Give me some time, I've never NOT had a car before :X

appreciate

So yesterday was my first day to be allowed off base without the exception of my special pass for when my family came to visit. Some friends I've made here and I decided to go to the mall for a little while before we had to be back for early bed check because of our training this morning. But we were at a store and my friend was trying on a hat. She came and asked me what I thought and I told her that it looked pretty good. She then told me that was one of the first compliments I've given her. I've known her since I've gotten here a month or so ago and I haven't complimented her till now?! Wow, you have no idea how much of a jerk I felt I was. She's one of those people who between us we pick on each other...kind of like a brother/sister relationship and so this is why its never crossed my mind before. I don't know, but I need to change this. I can't have that being the only nice thing I've said to her. People need to know they are appreciated and loved. How will they ever know if they're friends don't tell them? How can I show them Jesus if I'm not showing his character?

poison

Philippians 4:8-9
"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."

Ever since I've gotten here I've let the latter of these things in the verse to poison my thoughts. Every day...since prolly I failed my first PT test, all I've been dwelling on has been the bad in this place. All types of things have been getting on my nerves that usually don't bother me too much to affect my mood. I got a letter from my friend Alisa today that had this verse...well...not this exact verse, but 6 and 7 instead...I just cheated and read further :X and it really made me start thinking about this.

I'm not going to deny...there are a lot of things bringing me down in this place...I think the biggest reason for that is because there is a lot of downtime. I HATE downtime...it makes me do bad things, and the worst part about the things bringing me down here is that with the group of people I'm with, there is absolutely no problem finding someone who agrees with you. You know that saying how sour people hang out in packs? (or something like that) well its true...I've been doing it :P and its come to my attention that I need to cease. This place is a necessary stop on my adventure and I need to treat it as such no matter what I'm doing (or not doing) and not get bent out of shape when others don't seem to take on the same attitude. Reason, Purpose, and Self-Esteem...that is what my favorite book, Atlas Shrugged, says are the highest values a man can hold. My attitude needs to stay at the level that I have set and not sink down to be at the same standard as others around me. God has already saved me from that lifestyle. And has taught me how to live at the higher standard. The standard that allows me to be poured out as a drink offering. The same standard Paul lived by making him able to live the way he did for Christ and still have Joy.

I've forgotten my quest to hit bottom.

writers block OR christian algebra

I apologize for never really updating this thing, but the truth of the matter is that nothing is coming to mind of what I want to talk about. Everything I think of is either something personal that I don't want on the internet, or something really stupid that I would feel like a preacher talking about and my goal for this blog is not to sound like a preacher :P no offense to those preachers out there, but yeah...I want to put lessons out there that are obvious to the audience that I'm struggling with the same thing as what they might be struggling with. Things that preachers would get voted out of the church for having sermons about.

Wow. I just thought about something to talk about. ha.

I would say for about the past 2-3 months I have not gone to a church. This is not counting last week where I finally took up the courage to try out the service they have here at Ft. Meade (wonderful experience might I add *cough*) Nevertheless, church, I've come to notice, is not something a part of the community in the Military, but something that you go to on Sunday. I say this because it is both true for the individuals who don't go to church AS WELL AS those who DO go to church every Sunday. It is an activity in which American Christians go to because that is what God, the original American, has told us in the American Bible to do lest we turn to heathens and go to hell when we die.

Everything in the Military has a regulation. The way you dress, the way you cut your hair, the way you make your bed, the way you keep your locker, the way you keep your room, the way you stretch, the way you address other people, the way you walk, the way you turn, the way you drink water. With this, I feel, is probably the reason why the church has been transformed into what it is here, but let me just say that this is not the way God intended Christianity to be. A relationship with God should NOT be like the military. It is more fluid than this, it is more relational than this, it is more grey than this. It is the difference between a pre sized suit and a custom tailored suit.

Now I'm not quite sure what point I'm trying to make here, but I wish that the churches I've sat through thus far in the military didn't feel so robotic. I'm here saying that I'm kind of confused on what to do right now in regards to getting spiritually fed. I wonder if Jesus ever felt this way when he was human going to churches and feeling like he was the only one who didn't treat God like a math equation. I've seen Christians who could kill me at the biblical brain game (and do it), close non-believers up tighter than a snare drum and have no doubt at all that the non believer was in the wrong. I've also been fortunate enough to have conversations with people and see their walls melt just because of my openness to listen and not give them my Christian advice. The military is not a very Godly place, even at church...this is just my experience, and I'm kind of baffled in what I might be able to do when I can't even find a battle buddy to go to church with.

stymie

I was so sure, but
today I was defeated.
How can I get up?

Beauty of the Inverted

So this is an old post from Jan. 21 this year that I wrote that I guess got lost in the mail, but I really like it so I'm going to rewrite it for you guys...

I've been thinking about things lately...I'm assuming because we haven't done anything for the past four days? Basic training seems to have taken a standstill lately. But I've been thinking about life and living it fully. And with living life fully comes higher risk. Risk of death, risk of injury, risk of any nature really. When I was talking to my battle buddy, Tracey, I found out that the easiest way to explain was to compare it to love. With love, if you choose to let someone into your heart, you have a wide spectrum of things that can happen with two extremes. The positive being your goal, love. You can feel love. The opposite is heartbrokeness and pain. One fills your heart and one feels as though it takes away. Life, I feel is the same way. We can try to live the "American Dreams" of working, buying things, building a house and family, filling that house with stuff, and retiring so we can go on vacations every day. This to me, is just like choosing not to love at all. There is no risk involved really. You can't get hurt and you can't feel love eiter. Just like you can't die from your life choice (At least it's not as likely), but you don't know how all these wonderful experiences feel. Learn the quality of risk that makes you feel fully alive. I need to take the steps neccesary to "hit bottom" because if my thoughts are correct, I think that in learning that, that would be the only way for us to know the opposite. We need a standard measurement and the only one we can really experience to measure is the latter one, the painful one. The one that opens our eyes to the beauty of the inverted. It wasn't until I had my heart broken that I was able to see the beauty of my relationship with Christ. It wasn't until Christ's death that his Disciples were able to recognize Christ's glory.

Unhandy

So I'm slacking pretty bad on the blogging department...I've been promising blogs and not delivering, but its so hard to find time to get online. The only place we have internet here at AIT is at the cafeteria and with that, its only open at certain times :/ most of which are very unhandy to bring your laptop along with you. The Army, I feel, likes to make other things besides the Army unhandy to do that way the only thing you do IS, in fact, the Army. I would NOT recommend joining the Army if you're married or have children or both...even though there are a lot of those people here, I personally wouldn't do it...it would be hell on your family and yourself. Anyways, I need to start remembering to bring my journal with me here so that I can write some things that have went through my mind. I have a lot of stuff to put on here, but always forget it or don't have time to bring my laptop with me :/ The end. Hopefully all maybe 4 of you faithful readers will forgive me? thanks :) back to the army life now...

Overdue

So I finished up Basic Training at Ft. Jackson today. Sorry there haven't been any new updates since I left to go back. I wrote a few and sent them out, but Ericka said that she never got a hold of them so I guess they were lost in the mail? My mom and Grandma also didn't receive their post cards that I sent either so yeah. But its ok because I'm going to write a few soon hopefully once I get to my AIT and I'm able to use a computer again, but I have a lot of fun stuff written down in my journal that I can recall back on and write a few blogs to share with ya'll...they'll kind of be out of date for a while as we catch you up, but at least you'll get to read what I've been up to for the past few months ;) Right now I'm spending the rest of the time I have with my family so I'm going to get off of here, but I just wanted everyone to know I'm back ;)

Welcome Back.

pause

disappearing for a month and then reappearing is kind of weird. Its like everything is on pause for you, but nothing changes for everyone else. It's been kind of disappointing to tell you the truth. Its ok though...real friends are found in such ways. I'm not looking forward to doing this again in February. One thing has been awesome with this though. My family. Want to appreciate your family more? Join the Army and go to basic training. I don't even want to think about what it would be like to be deployed and THEN come back. Anyways, there's not much to write about...all my thoughts are private tonight.

Don't fool yourself. There are some things that only work in stories.

Not Your Own

11 DEC 2008

We've been having some more fun here at Basic Training. Two days ago we went for our first Army camping experience. We walked.....well....road marched, meaning we had about 50lbs of gear strapped to our backs and we walked at a pretty fast pace for about 6 miles everyone was saying. It was a beautiful day for camping. Nice Southern fall weather with the sun partly shining, partly cloudy, and we got there and set up camp. Wait. Let me back up. So before all that, we had a day of P.T. meaning physical training (I think) and they split us all up into groups according to how well we did the 2 mile run. Since I did it in 16:50 , I was put into the A train. We had A train, B train, and C train, A was the one where all the people from 17:00 min and under. B was from 1700 to whatever C was all the others :x We ran probably a total of 4 or 5 miles. I of which was running up and down bleachers and half a mile backwards up a hill!

The next day we had to get up really early and road march over to the bayonette course where we had to do a bunch of obsticles with our bayonette and do a bunch of moves on dummies, haha it was fun! Anyays, before I talk about the camping I need to talk about my battle buddy, Ian Tracey. He was assigned to me because he's the next one before my name in alphabetical order, but he couldn't have been any better to be my battle buddy. He is smart, very friendlym Christian, and I guess and all around good guy :P We kicked it off pretty well from the beginning. So anways, back to the camping. Tracey and I out our tent up and everything and it was the best looking tent up there :P It doesn't hurt that he's an eagle scout as well. Haha. We camped out and then the next day we went to an endurance course called fit to win where we had to go through this whole endurance course with our savad. We didn't win but we got 2nd I'm pretty sure. After, we went to the gas chamber!! I was pretty worried about this. I to it and we out our gas masks on and walked in to the chamber. The drill seargaents then had us lift up our gas masks and say our full social security number followed by drill seargent! I was able to do it and then seal my mask again without it being too bad. and so I am just chilling in there untill h egets to everyone else in there. One didn't do it too well and started freaking out and tried to oush the drill seargent away. He slammed the kid against the wall and put his mask back on him for him. It was crazy! He had to go back in there again because of it too after he regained himself. But when we were about to go out the D.S took us 10 at a time to go out and before we could go, they had us take our mask completely off and sing Jingle Bells! So I got up there , I'm getting nervous because we had a little taste of the gas outside the chamber while we were putting on our masks. Then I get the signal to take my mask off. I take a deep breath, close my eyes, rip it off. I start to sing "Jingle bells, Jingle bells, jingle all the way.." The drill seargent start to try and take our masks from us, I hold tight. "oh what fun." they start to mess with me more, poking my stomach, messing with my face, "it is to ride in a one ," the next D.S starts to punch me in the gut! "horse open sliegh!" I survived!! Luckily , I had my stomach clenched. They start to push us out the door and I get out into the ligh and take a deep breath! Crap..... the gas is still pretty strong :x The gas feels what nose, in your eyes, it burns your throat, burns your skin, burns your eyes. Really burns your eyes! Man! They have us walk a few laps around a turn around road to air out and compose ourselves. Wow that was intense! haha! I'm glad I got to do it through :) I've never worn a gas mask before yet alone be gassed like that! It was crazy!

Anyways I have a few other things I want to talk about. The first one being how platoon team life is going. Our platoon is having some problems. haha...to say the least. Ive been trying to figure our what the problem is exactly and some things I could come up with were these : 1.) Our platoon is trying way too hard to maintain our own individuality. The sooner we realize that we are not who we were the better. The Army took away our clothes, our hair, our make-u, electronics, stereotypes. and gave us the same uniform, the same kind of hair, the same food, the same beds, and the same quality of life. They did this for a reason. "You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake". I think old habits need to die and new ones need to form. This would help us get along I believe. 2.) Ego. Nobody is able to yet humble enough to listen to someone when they are trying to correct the, before the drill seargents talk to them. Now a lot of it is in the way people try to tell people they're wrong, but you know... they both could use improvement.

Those are the two big problems I've noticed There are a few smaller ones as well but I think they would be resolved with there two. The reason I'm kind of writing about this is because right now, my platoon has been sitting here for the past two hours while I've been writing this discussing our issues and how we need to do this and that and blah blah blah... I feel the best way to deal with this personally is to just listen, don't talk, let them work their own problems out unless otherwise asked. Because our platoon doesn't really like taking advice :p It gets to my battle buddy sometimes, but I have just been able to laugh about it. I remember back when I was like that and felt like I had to take charge and solve their problems. Now I feel like it takes more dicipline to hold my tounge.

Lastly, I wanted to talk about a devotion I read yesterday from my utmost for his highest. It's December 9th and 10th and they are "the offense of the natural" and "the offering of the natural." I'm still trying to completely grasp these, but what I kind of related it to was you guessed it, the Army. The devotion talk about how, as christians, it's not really about giving up of what makes your natural self. All the sin in my life is part of what makes you your natural self. All the sin in my life is part of the way I live for myself. We miust deny this. It's like when I signed the Army Contract and took my second oath. I'm government property. I chase this. Now, there are many good things that come from me joining the Army. They're paying my student loans, paying me a bonus, paying me to work, feeding me blah blah blah..... but there are also things I have to do. Starting here at Basic, I have to start disciplining my body, mind, even spirit to fit to the Army standards and so forth. Becoming a Christian is great and comes with more than enough benefits but there comes the time in our Christian life when we need to start discipling our body, mind and soul. We can't just keep relying on how loving and merciful God is. There comes a time when God knows that we know better. I know I've reached that point. I couldn't do it by myself. Hopefully joining the Army will teach me what being disciplined actually looks like.

From a young age growing up in church we're told we're in the Lords Army. I think I disagree with that. Untill now I don't feel like I was even ready to even make the attempt for what kind of discipline and commitment.. It's definitly something to strive for, but belive me. There is some responsibility that comes with it. Jesus was the ultimate example for this discipline and responsibility. I wonder what type of person Jesuss natural desires would have made him? Thank God we never found out.

I have a feeling that the Army is going to be a very good thing for my adult life. I've never known this stuff before or had to be so precise with the things I do. Some things suck more than others, but it's good. God is with me :)

-M

Confidence

01 DEC 2008

So today we did unarmed combatives which is pretty much wrestling moves. It was the most fun yet! We learned a bunch of different dominate positions to get the upper hand on opponents as as some choke holds and arm bars. I went a few matches with some people, but I lost each time..... 0-3 I'm afraid :( BUT hopefully we get to do it more often so that I can get some practice! One of the guys messed up my head pretty bad. I have some cuts on my forehead and on the side of my head and so on, but I am ok :P That's probably the closest to fight club I'm going to get. All in all, so far I love it here. I don't have any guilt; When I would sleep in late like when I lived in ATL because there is too much accountability in the army to let things slide. That accountability thing goes for A LOT more things as well. That is just an example for you guys but everything in the Army is based on accountability. I would recommend the military to anyone wanting to make change in their life. Aleast so far. We'll see if I still feel this way in the next six years.

Well, the top paragraph was written in the 1st at the beginning of last week and not it's the 7th on Sunday night. I haven't been writing very much because I lost my stamps :( But I 've recieved some letters from you guys and that makes me happy :) Because one, I know you all finally got my address, and two, you guys actually took the time to write me! Hopefully I'll be able to get some at the PX soon or borrow a few from some friends :x Anways, other things that happened this week was we went to the confidence courae which is a hige area of different height challenges I guess you would call them? The first one we did was this 5 story tower that me and 3 other people on my team of 4 had to climb up and then climb back down. Not only did we have to do that, but we also had to do it without any harness! If any of us fell, we we're pretty much screwed. It was like that for all of them. Luckly we managed to do it, and my team did it with some ease actually. The next challenge we had was the Victory slide. We climbed up a cargo net and had to walk over a log in the middle of the air to an overgrown ladder and then climbed up higher to a cable where we were hooked up and then zip lined down to the ground. The 3rd one we did was the inclined rope decend and we had to climb up and then zip lined down to the ground.The 3rd one we did ws the inclined rope decend and we had to climb up an oversized ladder again and there was a rope that was up an oversized ladder again and there was a rope that was up at the top. It stretched probably a good 20' downwards at probably a 30 or 45 degree angle or so and we hung upside down on it and worked our way down it. That one was the handout for me, but I was still able to do it! Those were the only ones we had time to complete because we have quite a few people in our platoon who don't really belong in the Army I don't think :x The next day we had a bayonett training and then the next day we had some team building exercises and then we ran a whole lot on the other day. But I'm running out of room on this page and the running out of time beofre lights out as well so I'll talk about that stuff later. Hope you all are doing well and P.S. Atlanta, I'll be spending New Years with all you guys so make some time to see me! I'll be there the 30th thought the 2nd!!

-M