Process

2008 November 22


So I kind of planned on writing about things every single day, but we've been here for 3 days not counting Tuesday, though we did A LOT Tuesday night before we could go to bed.

Tuesday was the day of travel and waiting. We got on the airplane, got off the airplane, got back on, got back off. After I arrived at Columbia, we waited for about.... well, at least 4 hours before we even got on the bus to go to Fort Jackson. After we got here we were filling things out, eating, getting stuff issued to us, blah, blah, blah. We've pretty much done this everyday all day SINCE then. It's now Saturday. Tomorrow we get to go to church. It should be an interesting experience to say the least :)

Monday, which is November 24, is the first day of ACTUAL basic training. I'm really excited! We watched an introduction video today and even though it was HORRIBLE quality and the whole time I was thinking, "Man, I'm sure glad they hired me :p", I still got really excited. Minus the pain of actually getting my body in shape to handle half the stuff I'll be doing, I think that this whole thing is going to be a blast!! Sometimes literally! HA! :p

But anyways, nothing much to write about yet.Some of the more christian thoughts that have gone through my head have been about the whole process. In the Army, so far already, they've told me many times now about how here in basic training, we all came ourselves. Trying so hard to be independent, funny, smart, the jock, the heart throb, ect, ect, whatever. And when we get here, they take away our freedom, make us all look the same, dress the same, act the same, break us down, destroy our individuality. My spikey hair is gone.I've had guys here find out just today that I was the guy with the fohawk when we first came :p We are not beautiful and unique snowflakes any longer and to tell you the truth it's kind of liberating. But after breaking us down, they start to build us back up. Replace old habits with new ones. Replace rebellion with compliance. Replace vanity and arrogance with pride and honor. It teaches us to do everything with a purpose.

Sound familiar?Isn't this the same thing God does through the gift of Jesus? Lets us live our live our lifes the way we want to? Then when we're ready to surrender. he breaks us down, our sins tearing our potential up , and then rebuilds us as well, don't think for a second I'm saying God is like the military. All I'm saying is that you can find Godly qualities in the Army and in the process of becoming a soldier. We are all so broken. I have a feeling I'm about to find out exactly how broken I am.

I encourage you all to find the way to get this process done. Through fire is how we are formed as christians. Pray for God to show you, yours.

embark on

tomorrow almost 12 hours exactly I will leave my family and begin my new adventure as a United States Army Specialist 25 Romeo. I can't tell you how excited I am! I'm always excited to start a new adventure and this one I'm sure won't disappoint in the adventure department :P

A few things I want to talk about before I surrender my blog to the mercy of Ericka, I want to talk about some personal goals I want to have beside all the issued goals I will have as a soldier...

First goal, I want to write a letter to each of the people who gave me an address and have asked for a letter. I know, because I'm the same way, there is just something that is super exciting about getting a personal written letter and I want to bring you guys some joy like that and maybe some of you can return the favor ;) cause I have a feeling I'm going to need it!

My second goal is going to be to read the entire Bible from cover to cover. I've never done this before because I have always managed to find something else to do, but I really want to buckle down and do this. Especially since I won't have an excuse here because we aren't allowed to bring any other personal books to basic.

Anyways, those are my two personal goals for basic while I'm there. In other news, I am having my sister write my address on my facebook group so that everyone who has joined that will be able to get it and I'm going to also have Ericka put the address on my blog. Other than that, I guess just wish me luck! I appreciate all the prayers from everyone, they are definitely working already. I was a mess a few days ago, but I'm feeling crazy good right now :) Keep it up! And make sure you're also praying for all the other soldiers who are over doing things that are actually dangerous. They definitely could use some prayer as well :)

But yes, I need to get to bed, so I will see you guys on the other side and I can't WAIT to share some of my stories I'm going to have with you!

volume

"If with heart and soul you're doing good, do you think you can be stopped?

Even if you suffer for it, you're still better off. Don't give the opposition a second thought. Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master.

Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you're living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy. Keep a clear conscience before God so that when people throw mud at you, none of it will stick. They'll end up realizing that they're the ones who need a bath.

It's better to suffer for doing good, if that's what God wants, than to be punished for doing bad.

That's what Christ did definitively: suffered because of others' sins, the Righteous One for the unrighteous ones. He went through it all—was put to death and then made alive—to bring us to God." -1 Peter 3:13-18

I grew up thinking the message translation of the Bible was a bad thing. I was told to stay away from it because it leaves a lot out. This might be true, it might not be true. But I do know that God uses this translation to speak to me a lot more than he's ever used the King James Version. I read the message almost the same way I speak. Almost the same way I write. So for me, it is perfect. Also, I enjoy some of the words chosen for verses a lot more than other translations. Just a little side note on the message translation that I wanted to throw out there because I doubt I'm the only one who was taught this. So now you know ;)

So if I'm doing good with heart and soul I'm unstoppable? I'm like the spiritual "Thing" from Fantastic Four right? Clobbering the Devil when it comes to tempt me? Or is this a different type of unstoppable? A type that is beyond ourselves? A type that goes beyond ourselves? Isn't this type of unstoppable the reason why we can watch movies like Braveheart or Gladiator and admire William Wallace or Maximus? When our beliefs and ideas extend beyond our own physical bodies and lives? Isn't this how Jesus was and is unstoppable?

He wasn't unstoppable because he was unable to be beat physically, for we took his life from him. Not because of the friends he had, for they dispersed when he was taken into custody. But because of what he believed in. What he held to be true. What he was willing to bleed for. What he was willing to die for. People don't recognize true passion until there is sacrifice, because nobody chooses to hurt. No one WANTS to sacrifice; to bleed or die, but when they step over that line. When someone hits bottom and places there passion before their own well being...that; that is beautiful.

How do I reach this mindset? How do I get closer to hitting bottom? How could I ever know I'm willing to die for my savior if need be?

I think these are questions that help us to learn to live life to the fullest. To use a quote from Fight Club:

"After fighting, everything else in your life got the volume turned down."

I think that this quote can relate. For those of you who know me somewhat well know I like to compare a lot of Christian principles from quotes and parts from Fight Club :X haha, but just like after a fight, after we become aware of our relationship with God, truly aware (I say this because I was a "Christian" way before I understood my relationship as well as some of you might be), what comes naturally afterwards should be everything else losing its volume.

After being Christian, everything else in your life got the volume turned down.

What does this look like for you?

I'm slowly discovering what it looks like to me.

the created void by underoath

Let's do this for each other.
Let's do this for truth.
I give for you, you give for me.
I give for you, you give for me.

Let me take you somewhere,
Somewhere I cannot explain.
Let me take you, wanna take you,
Somewhere I cannot explain.

I'm stumbling right in front of you.
Now!
I won't refrain from guiding you there.

Normal's not so,
Normal is not so far.

Was it just a dream?
Or something much more?
We are not alone.
Since you agreed to follow.

It's all in my head, if you want, you can look inside.
There's nothing but red and all the mess I've been.
It's all in the way I say what I don't mean, and mean what I don't.
I need to speak of you and what is real.

They will never understand,
What eats at our insides.

It's all in my head, if you want, you can look inside.
There's nothing but red and all the mess I've been.
It's all in the way I say what I don't mean, and mean what I don't.
I need to speak of you.

solve for x

I am mr. fix it. I look at the short term problems and get to work on how to solve the equation.

If there are 4.5 days left before Marcus leaves for the army and X = perfect marcus, how do I solve for the other missing variable of W, C, T, and however many other ones there may be. Where W means the amount of work, change, time respectively.

X = WCT/4.5

Ok. Mr. Fix it. Any time now...

Yeah. This is a lame illustration and doesn't really make any sense looking back at it, but I think you can try to understand the point. So much of my life is not up for me to control. So much stuff in my life changes way to constantly for me to use formula's. Things don't happen the same way for everyone and because of this, this makes it even MORE of a challenge to predict what is going to happen.

There are variables in my life right now that I'm sure are being filled correctly and are the variables in my life right now that I need most. There are other variables in my story that I just can't seem to wait on. I want to take things out of the natural order God has planned for my life formula. I need to trust God and his order of operations, because just like the rubix cube I've been trying to solve for days now, I'm becoming way too frustrated with certain variables that obviously will not be solved until after I solve for other ones.

I have to trust in my knowledge and my knowledge is that God is a loving father who gives good gifts. I want him to get me out of this mess world and so this is the journey I have been given to take. The smartest thing I could do would be to stop trying to take short cuts. Let us try to stop taking short cuts. Let us let God solve for X.

numb

I think tonight is the night I become numb.

i miss.

I miss a lot of things. I miss nothing. I miss everything. I don't even know what I miss. I haven't even met you or it yet. I'm kind of mixed up today and I think I'm doing it to myself. I also think that it might be the devil trying to get the best of me. God's making things come together way too easily for this not be the correct path for me, but I can't help but to have days of hesitation. I think its my fear of commitment. I think a lot is my fear of commitment. I really miss my Atlanta friends today because today was our weekend and I missed it :/

Self Destruction. I'm working so hard to hit bottom, and sometimes I feel like I'm the only one trying to make progress. I guess this could be the devil as well. I won't be changing my decision. I'm way too stubborn I think. Sometimes that's a good thing?

I'm going to disappear for three months. I've decided today that my biggest fear isn't the drill sergeants or the pain that I'm going to have to go through in my body. It's not going to be the home sickness or being broken down to be built back up into a soldier. It won't be the lack of communication, electronics, cell phones, laptops, or ipods with my extensive musical librarys.

I'm almost positive that my biggest fear is going to be the fear of being forgotten. I've worked so hard to be a good friend to all of you. I pray for you all to return the favor. :(

I miss a lot of things.

desperate america part II

I just looked back and reread this and I think some people might get a little confused on the meaning of what I just wrote about the people in Africa :X

I didn't mean for that at all to sound like our problems are worse than what the people in Africa have to deal with, which is kind of what it might sound like, but I was more trying to illustrate a point of this verse...

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? Matthew 7:3

With this, I feel that we as American's look at their problems and think we have to go help them and fix them and try and teach them to be more like us, when I don't really think that us trying to "help" them out in this way is what they really need. Just wanted to clear that up. I'm not really good at rereading my stuff before I post it :X

I prolly won't do it for this one either. Nope. I'm going to publish this right now :P

Desperate America

I watched Desperate Housewives tonight with my mom. It breaks my heart to think that some people actually live like that. :/

But we're convinced that the people in Africa have it so bad?

We could learn a lot from them.

Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?

pressing on in fear of death with hopes of learning how to live

I have been here in Ohio for a full day. In this one day I've been here, I already feel like its time to leave again. This place depresses me more than what I ever can convince myself of when I'm not here. I don't have a clue as to why this? Actually. I probably do. I walk in and the house is crawling with junk my family has managed to stock up on and its ready to attack at any nudge or bump taken the wrong way. This house has a history of swallowing your stuff. I don't even know how many different things I've lost to its madness, but you can hopefully imagine my thrill when my mother told me I would be unloading my possessions into this house and not my grandma's.

Another is my mother's uncanny ability to get me frustrated with life in general. I don't understand how she lives the way she does. I don't understand how I've managed to even remotely turn out okay in any way growing up with all this. My family is so broken. You guys honestly could not even begin to understand how much I owe to God in shaping who I am today. Seriously.

I guess all this could be the closest way to feel what a broken home MIGHT feel like? At least to go back to one? To be excited to see everyone because of all the change you've made in your life and then to be disappointed when you find out that your family really is exactly how you left them. To find out your city is really exactly how you left it. To find out you've been living in the one exception to a dynamic world and that you chose to come back for a while.

I'm starting to realize that some of the bad habits that remain with me are not as much me not trying hard enough to break them, but that it might just be that these habits are all I know in my narrow view of life. I've never learned a different way of things. I'm starting to see that the Army will be even more so a detox than I can even care to imagine.

My brother Matthew asked me something interesting today. He asked me if I was scared to die because the Army isn't a very safe place to be. I started thinking of all this junk I've already experienced being back for one day when I've been trying my hardest to forget some of it out at college and then at Atlanta, and I told him there are worse things than dying, which some of you know, is my typical response for this question. Next, he ask me what? What is worse than dying? Well...living the way we've been living thus far is much worse. I want a better way of life.

like the light

2 Samuel 23:3-4

3 The God of Israel spoke,
the Rock of Israel said to me:
'When one rules over men in righteousness,
when he rules in the fear of God,

4 he is like the light of morning at sunrise
on a cloudless morning,
like the brightness after rain
that brings the grass from the earth.'

My prayer is that tommorrow you will vote for the president in which you feel is right in your heart. With so many people and so many things set up trying to convince you one way or the other, I pray you will use a discerning heart and choose the president who stands for issues that you stand for. Whose character reflects the character of a leader. One who rules over men in righteousness. We have the chance to influence this election, but remember, God is the one who gives all power to all men. Whomever is chosen in this coming month to rule our country, know that he was chosen first by God.

Lukewarm

"15I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. 19Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. 20Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. 21To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne."
-Revelation 3:15-21

I put this scripture on here because sometimes I feel like I need to be reminded to be either hot or cold. I think that in America we have a strong tendency to only try and be NOT bad. This is SO hypocritical in my opinion. Not only when I'm trying to just not do bad things, am I not using my strengths and faith to please God with the abilities that I have been given to be "hot" but I'm also breeding self righteousness in me because the only way to judge your actions as bad or acceptable is to compare that in which you are doing to another person. And when comparing yourself to others who ARE NOT Jesus Christ, you are usually doing one of two things..

1. Find yourself someone better than what you feel you are and bring the esteem low or,

2. Find yourself someone worse of than you to make yourself feel superior

Both of these are bad and need to be dealt with.

The way I feel is that if your curious about something, as long as you're taking the proper precautions to keep others safe, then do it. Experience something. Experience everything. For its better for you to learn from a mistake than to be lukewarm from an untested experiment for the rest of your life. Know what it is you're exactly missing. My guess is that if you have a relationship with God already, whatever it is your curious about will not even come close to what you have with Jesus. I know what I experienced this weekend didn't. But I'm glad I experienced it. Now I will never have to wonder anymore. Now I will never have to wish for that in my life again.

And if you ask me, that is a win for Christ with WAY more impact on the life of the person than if that person were to just follow the rules.